Spirit of Truth (2)
RichWLogliner
A woman whose mother was murdered when she was a child of twelve, is now, fifteen years later, working as a detective and still pursuing her mother's killer, who, it turns out, is closer than she thinks.
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“Fifteen years after her mother’s murder, a detective continues to pursue the killer, who is closer than she thinks.”
There, now you have another ten words to say what she must do to achieve her goal…
The second line in the logline (“…was a child of twelve, is now, fifteen years later, …”) is a very long way of saying 27yo. No need for this line as the MC’s age has no baring on the plot.
These kind of sentences “… is closer than she thinks…” work against a logline as they are vague and lack detail. Closer in what way? Physically? Emotionally? Geographically? If the murderer is a friend, family member or work colleague then say so in the logline.
The logline as a whole doesn’t describe a plot it describes a situation; this woman is doing this thing. What a logline nbeeds to do is describe a series of events that are connected via a cause and eefect relationship; because of this thing this woman must achieve this goal.
What is the MC’s goal? What is the inciting incident? The logline should be able to answer these questions.
Hope this helps.
Why now?
Sure, why now? in other words it would help to specify what exactly put the story in motion.
It seems to me that her mother’s murder could be read as the inciting incident. To wit, after her mother is killed, her daughter swears to solve the murder and bring the culprit to justice. That’s why she became a cop, put in her time, punched her ticket to become a homicide detective.
The essence of the story seems to be that the detective doggedly stays on the case even after the trail goes cold. Well, that’s the story of a lot of veteran detectives. They have a case that goes unsolved for years and years, that become not just a profession but a personal obsession. They can’t let it go. See, for example, “The Whites”, the new well-reviewed crime story by one of the America’s great crime writers of novels and scripts, Richard Price (writing as Harry Brand).
So what is unique, compelling about the case in this logline? “…Is closer than she thinks” suggests the clue implicates someone near and dear to the detective. That would seem to be the Big Reveal, but a logline shouldn’t tip its hand about the Big Reveal.
I suggest it might be profitable to take a cue (and clue) from another celebrated crime write, Joseph Wambaugh, who observed that the best crime stories aren?t about how detectives work cases, they?re about how cases work the detectives — the psychological toll the unsolved cases have on the detectives. (As a former LAPD detective, Wambaugh knows what’s he’s talking about.)
What if the female detective is on the verge of “pulling the pin”, retiring after 20 years in law enforcement? And she’s abandoned all hope of solving her mother’s murder; the trail went cold 15 years ago.
And then a clue comes to light. Will it enable her to solve the murder? Can she bring the culprit to justice — is he or she still alive to bring to justice?
Whatever. I think the story has potential, but it seems vague and rather generic in this iteration of the logline.
fwiw
What I think everyone is trying to say is, “What is the movie about?”. You have given us the background, but what are series of events driven by her desires and what is standing in her way?
Fifteen years after her mother?s murder, a detective continues to pursue the killer, she is torn between revenge and fear of the truth when evidence leads to her family”.
I don’t know your story, but you see where I am headed.
How about this then?
A fledgling criminologist finds unique clues at a murder scene strikingly similar to those when her mother was murdered 20 years earlier, causing her to pursue and catch the double killer
The similarity is the inciting incident. The problem for me is that the actual story line… pursuit and capture….. is standard stuff for a pursuit genre thriller. i.e. boring and predictable.
My tendency is to want to end with a hook to make it more interesting.
Or this:
When a fledgling criminologist finds clues at a murder scene strikingly similar to those when her mother was murdered 20 years earlier, she broadens her investigation to catch the double killer before he gets her too.
Specific details?
High stakes?
Clear cause and effect relationship?
One compelling goal?
The problem with the mother’s murder as the inciting incident is that it happens off screen and years before most of the story takes place.
Unless this is changed to make the story follow the daughter from the mother’s murder, through police academy to promotion as a detective and finally to the one clue that sets off her renewed chase. The impact and therefore motivation from the murder will be lost on the audience.
This epic journey could be cut down with either a prologue or montage but not sure that would have the same effect. Or make the mother’s murder happen much closer to the time of the story after the daughter became a detective.
As previously suggested a choice needs to be made; if the goal is to catch the killer then the timing of the murder needs to change or the scope of the story needs to change.
It is more difficult to be specific than I realized.
My intention for the inciting incident was at the point where the detective suddenly realizes that the clues in her investigation of the murder today are IDENTICAL to those found at the scene of her mother’s death 20 years earlier. This is the inciting incident for her to look for the murderer of the current victim, who also murdered her mother, it raised the stakes, makes the story more unique, and it starts the story.
“…the inciting incident for her to look for the murderer of the current victim, who also murdered her mother…”
I personally find the mother’s murder far more interesting and compelling as an inciting incident than finding new and similar clues.
Ask yourself this; what would matter most for the MC, her mother or a stranger? I promise you that the sudden and unexpected death of a parent is by far one of the more significant events in a young person’s life.
When you pin this event up as the backdrop to finding new and similar clues in a modern crime scene the later comes across as weak.
More so the psychology involved in the subject matter would make it conceivable that this is not the first time the MC “chooses” to see similarities between her mother’s murder and another person’s.
It begs the question; Is there a genuine connection between the two murders or are her personal feelings influencing her judgment?
I’m not saying this is the case but because of the circumstances there is an element of doubt.
Good inciting incident leave no doubt and propel the character to take action.
>>This is the inciting incident for her to look for the murderer of the current victim,
But why wouldn’t she investigate the current murder anyway even if none of the clues matched? Isn’t that her job — to solve murders?
If she’s the sole homicide detective in the department, then it’s her job to investigate any murder that happens — she has no choice. And if she’s one of several homicide detectives, her supervisor would assign the case — that’s SOP– so again she would have no choice.
However, if she asks for the case to be re-assigned to her after realizing the coincidence of circumstances, then it might qualify as the inciting incident. And the coincidence would add psychological overtones as she has to revisit the traumatic memories of her mother’s murder. Especially if she witnessed her mother’s murder. Did she witness her mother’s murder?
Thanks for the feedback.
It sounds like my story is just too complicated to be laid out in 25 or so words.
Then shoot for a target maximum length of 30. While not the ideal, it’s tolerable, permissible.
I think you have a concept for an interesting story, particularly the psychological impact off his discovery at a vulnerable age. He may be a geek, intellectually advanced for his years, but emotionally he’s still only a 10-year old boy. In the gap therein lies an interesting subjective story line to complement and deepen the main story line.
i am just going to take the liberty: ?”when a detective receives a mysterious phone call, she dives back in the cold case of her’s mother’s murder.”