Penpusher
Posted: 2013-01-06T03:56:48+10:00 In:

A young artist struggles with her newfound spiritual powers after being visited by the angel of prophetic revelation.

AFU revision

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    9 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I would consider changing Struggles as your conflict. It doesn’t draw the reader in.

      Also, the phrase, ‘ange lof prophetic revelation” is somewhat odd when read.

      I kinda see what you are going for here but if I have to decipher what a logline means, then it should probably be re-written for clarity.

      This sounds like an interesting project, hopefully you will have an interesting logline to match.

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    2. Is AFU really the title or just an acronym for a title?

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    3. Is the challenge here is for the young woman to learn how to deal with her powers or will her powers be in support of a revelation? In short, why was she given “spiritual” powers?

      Your story definitely will be a good one. Just a few modifications for clarity on the logline.

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    4. Penpusher

      I took your suggestion in the other logline thread for A Fury Unleashed and made the focus on her powers unfolding and left out any mention of a cosmic war. I hope you like this version better.

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    5. Penpusher

      Thanks for your comment. You’re right that struggles isn’t enough of an active conflict. I’ll have to rework the logline. And the “angel of prophetic revelation” bit could best be changed to Archangel Gabriel, although I don’t think most would know that he’s the angel of the prophets.

      Thank you again.

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    6. Penpusher

      That was in reply to Richiev.

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    7. Penpusher

      Thank you for the comment Bryson.

      She has to learn how to deal with her powers because she will be the world’s guardian during a cosmic war that is coming to earth, hence her being approached by the angel of prophecy.

      I originally started the logline for this screenplay idea in a different thread and went with the suggestion that it would be best not to mention the cosmic war part, since it’s overused in popular culture.

      I’m thinking the purpose of her powers should be a mystery that unfolds itself in the actual screenplay, culminating in the third act.

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    8. I see. I don’t know why, but I was almost thinking “AFU” was literally the title.

      I like it, but I think the words “struggles,” “spiritual powers”, “angel of prophetic revelation” are vague to me. I’m sure if I read an outline, it would be pretty clear, but at this point, I’d like something a little more descriptive, more visceral.

      Such as the term “spiritual powers.” What is it in your story? Does she see ghosts? Can she start fires? Levitate? Does she have visions of people dying? Does she make people’s head explode with a thought?

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    9. But at the same time i do believe that if you mention the cosmic war aspect but with a uniqueness on its own, it will serve as a sort of attracting force for anyone interested in picking up your script. Right now the word struggles does not really explain the purpose of the spiritual powers, rather it’s portrays it as if she is resisting it. Hope this will help.

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