Posted: 2013-01-30T23:29:40+10:00 In:

A young football chairman struggles to keep the club afloat, relationships in the boardroom are strained, will Dreary FC survive?

Dreary FC

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    7 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      sorry double post,

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    2. Samurai

      Everyone else posted good feedback, so just 1 more- you have to give us more meat regarding the stakes. Maybe it’s a ‘storied franchise’ or ‘once legendary franchise’, something to tell us why we would care about a football club.

      Also, the protagonist needs to have something at stake, since the story is told through him. Maybe in order to get the job, he has to invest all his savings into the club, whatever.

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    3. Singularity

      Does the lack of revenue represent, lack of fans in the stands, lack of TV revenue, Lack of sponsors or perhaps salaries too high?

      What is the young chairman’s goal? How does he plan on raising revenue and what or who is standing in the way?

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    4. This is a tough one to look at as like Richiev says it is very vague but seeing as it is an overall idea for a sitcom series I can understand why it is.

      Perhaps you need to think of it as whether there is an antagonist present throughout the entire series that triggers the club to begin to struggle. Was it a big transfer? Banks called back debts? Relegation?

      ‘After relegation from the top tier, a young football chairman must stop the clubs rot or face liquidation.’

      Then I think you need to look at a logline for each individual episode that will highlight the main story of that week crossed with the overall story. When writing for a comedy I always look to Only Fools and Horses as the overall story is simply; ‘A cockney wheeler and dealer and his brother do all they can to become millionaires’, but that isn’t the outline for every episode just like yours isn’t. You need to find a fine line between both.

      Hope this waffle makes sense.

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    5. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I’ll give some clarity:

      The young chairman (owner) is struggling to keep the club afloat (generally interpreted here in the UK as a financial term) because of the lack of revenue going into the club and expenditure rising.

      This TV comedy series (6 episodes) centres around the 3 board of directors as they try and keep the club in existence. It’s not really his job at stake because he owns the club – it’s the whole existence of the club i.e. will they go into administration or not?

      Thanks.

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    6. Singularity

      There?s the idea? and there?s the logline.? In this case it?s hard to tell if the idea?s any good because the logline is vague.

      1) What?s the protagonist struggling against? Is it lack of fans? An owner who won?t spend money on free agents? A star player demanding a trade?

      2) relationships in the boardroom are strained? I would drop this, stick to one problem (saving the team) in the logline.

      3) Will Dreary FC survive? This isn?t needed.
      An example:
      ??
      When the greedy new owner decides to blow-up the team, a young football chairman engages in a battle of wills to keep the core veterans from being traded, even though it could cost him his job.?
      ??
      Although your logline will differ, you can see how in my example I spell out the specifics:

      Protagonist-Young football chairman
      Antagonist-Greedy owner
      Conflict-Keeping the veterans from being traded
      Stakes-His job

      If you can give us the specifics; protagonist, antagonist, conflict and stakes, your logline will be much improved. (Coming up with a good hook can really make your logline pop as well)

      Hope this helps. Good luck with your story.

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    7. Singularity

      There’s the “idea” and there’s the “logline.” In this case it’s hard to tell if the idea’s any good because the logline is vague.

      1) What’s the protagonist struggling against? Is it lack of fans? An owner who won’t spend money on free agents? A star player demanding a trade?

      2) “relationships in the boardroom are strained” I would drop this, stick to one problem (saving the team) in the logline.

      3) Will Dreary FC survive? This isn’t needed.

      An example:
      —–
      “When the greedy new owner decides to blow-up the team, a young football chairman engages in a battle of wills to keep the core veterans from being traded, even though it could cost him his job.”
      —–
      Although your logline will differ, you can see how in my example I spell out the specifics:

      Protagonist-Young football chairman
      Antagonist-Greedy owner
      Conflict-Keeping the veterans from being traded
      Stakes-His job

      If you can give us the specifics; protagonist, antagonist, conflict and stakes, your logline will be much improved. (Coming up with a good hook can really make your logline pop as well)

      Hope this helps. Good luck with your story.

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