Beyond The Dead
Karel SegersLogliner
"A young girl disappears from her home and a body is found days later. When one of her friends receives a letter from her supposedly dead friend, events start to get twisted.."
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You’ve mentioned the inciting incident in the logline when (like the others have said above) it is far more important to give us more detail about the protagonist and their goal. You haven’t told us anything about how the protagonist decides to approach the situation once receiving the letter. I find the ‘events start to get twisted’ bit unhelpful, and the … at the end sort of implies that the story just trails off.
You’ve mentioned the inciting incident in the logline when (like the others have said above) it is far more important to give us more detail about the protagonist and their goal. You haven’t told us anything about how the protagonist decides to approach the situation once receiving the letter. I find the ‘events start to get twisted’ bit unhelpful, and the … at the end sort of implies that the story just trails off.
FIrst off, your protagonist is identified only as “friend” … which is about as compelling as a wet rag. What is their flaw, and what is their function – and in what ways do those two things make them both the LEAST LIKELY to be able to solve this mystery, and also UNLIKE any character we’ve encountered before?
You’ve also only described an event – no compelling action. You get vague in the second half there.
“After she receives a letter claiming to be from a recently-deceased friend, a scatter-brained librarian …” does what?
FIrst off, your protagonist is identified only as “friend” … which is about as compelling as a wet rag. What is their flaw, and what is their function – and in what ways do those two things make them both the LEAST LIKELY to be able to solve this mystery, and also UNLIKE any character we’ve encountered before?
You’ve also only described an event – no compelling action. You get vague in the second half there.
“After she receives a letter claiming to be from a recently-deceased friend, a scatter-brained librarian …” does what?
“A young girl disappears from her home and a body is found days later. When one of her friends receives a letter from her supposedly dead friend, events start to get twisted.”
When a small town comes up missing two young girls, the daughter of a police officer wants to help solve the case.
Lead Daughter
Obstacle Find her friends
Goal Solve the missing persons case
Lose Avoid death
Irony The killer is close to her
New (Hook) His daughter has to set him up when she finds out its him.
Enemy Daddy
“A young girl disappears from her home and a body is found days later. When one of her friends receives a letter from her supposedly dead friend, events start to get twisted.”
When a small town comes up missing two young girls, the daughter of a police officer wants to help solve the case.
Lead Daughter
Obstacle Find her friends
Goal Solve the missing persons case
Lose Avoid death
Irony The killer is close to her
New (Hook) His daughter has to set him up when she finds out its him.
Enemy Daddy
“After she receives a letter from a friend who’s supposedly dead, a headstrong cheerleader vows to track down her best friend against the wishes of her parents and a ruthless local sheriff.”
“After she receives a letter from a friend who’s supposedly dead, a headstrong cheerleader vows to track down her best friend against the wishes of her parents and a ruthless local sheriff.”