FABRICATION
After a hostage is taken in botched drug heist it falls to his insecure gangland girlfriend to unravel the truth from the lies and get her man out alive.
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Better?
After a hostage is taken in botched drug heist his insecure gangland girlfriend is forced to unravel the truth from the lies in her attempt to get him out alive.
I believe this is your best attempt yet. I am not quite loving the first few words, “After a hostage is taken” but that might just be personal preference on my part.
Richiev,
I totally agree – it feels unnatural and forced. You are gold on this site! How do you like the below?
When her boyfriend is taken in botched drug heist his insecure gangland girl is forced to unravel the truth from the lies in her attempt to get him out alive.
How about:
—–
“When her boyfriend is taken hostage in a botched drug heist, an insecure gangland girl is forced to unravel the truth from lies to get him out alive.”
—–
Just curious, who is the antagonist?
Its a shifting antagonist … looks like its the gang that took her boyfriend, turns out the boyfriend planned it all… do you want to see that detail in the logline?
I was thinking it might need the bad guy. Up to you though.
When her boyfriend is taken hostage by (Bad Guy) in a botched drug heist…”
I don’t particularly think it needs to be stated who the bad guy is considering it will be the hostage takers. The line does give you a presence of an antagonist even though they aren’t named.
Also do you need to put ‘truth for the lies’? Could it not just be ‘unravel the truth’? Just thinking it is less words again and already makes it obvious there is much fibbing going on.
The log line is shaping up nicely but I personally feel there are a few phrases to work on such as the opening few words.
Keep going though it will get there.
Thanks Kriss!
I agree, simply unravel the truth is better and sharper.
“After her boyfriend is taken hostage in a botched drug heist, an insecure gangland girl is forced to unravel the truth to get him out alive”
My only question is whether it’s clear enough that she is working on understanding exactly what went down with this heist in order to get him freed… I don’t want to add words but do I really need to say:
“After her boyfriend is taken hostage in a botched drug heist, an insecure gangland girl is forced to unravel the truth behind what went down in order to get him out alive”
Thank you both so much for your help!