Sick (4th draft, Extreme Horror)
After a primordial fungal outbreak on an Arctic oil rig, an overambitious district manager pushes to cover up the incident until he too is exposed. As the hospital becomes overrun by spore spreading rapists, he must battle his way to a lone survivor who may be the key to a cure.
Share
I have had a hack at it and tried to not to drop any of your elements.
An Arctic oil-rig executive is hospitalised by the same primordial fungus outbreak that he was trying to cover up. The infected become psychotic rapists spreading the disease further. He must battle his way to the lone survive which may hold the key to a cure.
I have had a hack at it and tried to not to drop any of your elements.
An Arctic oil-rig executive is hospitalised by the same primordial fungus outbreak that he was trying to cover up. The infected become psychotic rapists spreading the disease further. He must battle his way to the lone survive which may hold the key to a cure.
Good point DPG I’d combine Richiev’s and my suggestions with a change to:
After a primordial fungal outbreak on an Arctic oil rig turns his crew into barbaric fiends, a hypochondriac manager must battle his way to a lone survivor who is the key to a cure.?
Good point DPG I’d combine Richiev’s and my suggestions with a change to:
After a primordial fungal outbreak on an Arctic oil rig turns his crew into barbaric fiends, a hypochondriac manager must battle his way to a lone survivor who is the key to a cure.?
How does ‘overambitious’ as a character flaw relate to the cause and outcome of the plot? Isn’t a character flaw supposed to be a causal factor, a prime reason the character unwittingly enables the dramatic caca to hit the fan? Or why a character is initially unable to cope with the caca that hits the fan?
And doesn’t he have to overcome that flaw as a dramatic pre-condition to (finally) solving the dramatic problem — in this case find the lone survivor? How does being overambitious prevent him from finding the sole survivor?
And it should not be the case that the sole survivor “may be the key”? He is the key. Period.
How does ‘overambitious’ as a character flaw relate to the cause and outcome of the plot? Isn’t a character flaw supposed to be a causal factor, a prime reason the character unwittingly enables the dramatic caca to hit the fan? Or why a character is initially unable to cope with the caca that hits the fan?
And doesn’t he have to overcome that flaw as a dramatic pre-condition to (finally) solving the dramatic problem — in this case find the lone survivor? How does being overambitious prevent him from finding the sole survivor?
And it should not be the case that the sole survivor “may be the key”? He is the key. Period.
Much improved.
How about this: (I tried to keep as much of what you wrote as I could)
—–
“After a primordial fungal outbreak on an Arctic oil rig turns his crew into barbaric fiends, an overambitious district manager must battle his way to a lone survivor who may be the key to a cure.”
—–
Hope that helped.
Much improved.
How about this: (I tried to keep as much of what you wrote as I could)
—–
“After a primordial fungal outbreak on an Arctic oil rig turns his crew into barbaric fiends, an overambitious district manager must battle his way to a lone survivor who may be the key to a cure.”
—–
Hope that helped.
Hi Michael.
This is a vast improvement on the previous drafts as there is a clear link between all the elements and the log lines is well structured.
I would reduce the word count to ease the read and change “…pushes to cover up the incident…” to a specific action as that is too vague for a reader to understand exactly what he is doing.
The word “…rapists…” is confusing out of place and seams unrelated to the plot. I understand that this is part of the story but for the logline purposes better to omit it and reserve any of these descriptions for a synopsis.
My try:
After an overambitious manager gets infected by a primordial fungus that killed his Arctic oil rig crew he must avoid the media and stop the spread of fungus throughout the local hospital by saving the sole survivor that holds a cure.
Hi Michael.
This is a vast improvement on the previous drafts as there is a clear link between all the elements and the log lines is well structured.
I would reduce the word count to ease the read and change “…pushes to cover up the incident…” to a specific action as that is too vague for a reader to understand exactly what he is doing.
The word “…rapists…” is confusing out of place and seams unrelated to the plot. I understand that this is part of the story but for the logline purposes better to omit it and reserve any of these descriptions for a synopsis.
My try:
After an overambitious manager gets infected by a primordial fungus that killed his Arctic oil rig crew he must avoid the media and stop the spread of fungus throughout the local hospital by saving the sole survivor that holds a cure.