The Vagabond
Alan SmitheePenpusher
After a road accident brings the untimely end to a man?s life, he now has a second chance at life (and love) by completing a series of tasks set by an evil spirit boss.
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Why would an “evil” spirit boss want to give the guy a 2nd chance? Seems contradictory, non-credible.
Great feedback +1
Loglines are about telling the story in the FEWEST number of sentences and words as is possible, while still making the essentials clear. I would strongly recommend AGAINST adding two more sentences, Zizou23.
The first half of your logline is unnecessarily wordy.
“After dying in a car accident …”
The next part seems to have the right elements; an antagonist, a goal (return to Earth, or life, or the world of the living.” I would suggest a clean up to something like.
“After dying in a car accident, a (flawed protagonist) must defeat the evil spirit which guards the portal to the world of the living.”
Also … could the stakes be higher? Is there something your protagonist – of whom I know very little at this stage – wants to come back to life to achieve?
It’s ok. There should be a little more action to hook us. Two more sentences would be perfect.