At Her Mercy
ChristopherPenpusher
After hearing her father's death, a transfer student must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity, before its ancient founder possesses her mind and body.
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There isn’t a connection in your logline between her fathers death and the secret fraternity. As a result the logline is a bit awkward.
Here would be an example of an inciting event meshing with the rest of the logline.
—–
“When her best friend disappears after joining an exclusive sorority, a transfer student must infiltrate the organization in order to discover it’s dark secret.”
—–
In your logline you should explain how her fathers death connects the lead character joining a fraternity (Sorority)
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
There isn’t a connection in your logline between her fathers death and the secret fraternity. As a result the logline is a bit awkward.
Here would be an example of an inciting event meshing with the rest of the logline.
—–
“When her best friend disappears after joining an exclusive sorority, a transfer student must infiltrate the organization in order to discover it’s dark secret.”
—–
In your logline you should explain how her fathers death connects the lead character joining a fraternity (Sorority)
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Agreed with the Richiev’s comments I would add though that “…must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity,” is not a clear description of the action the MC will take. I can’t imagine what conquering temptations look like.
Also the stakes don’t seem to be high enough being possessed isn’t as bad as being killed or other people being killed.
Hope this helps.
Agreed with the Richiev’s comments I would add though that “…must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity,” is not a clear description of the action the MC will take. I can’t imagine what conquering temptations look like.
Also the stakes don’t seem to be high enough being possessed isn’t as bad as being killed or other people being killed.
Hope this helps.