Penpusher
Posted: 2016-03-22T11:44:33+10:00 In:

After his bisexual girlfriend commits suicide after being harrassed by an ex boyfriend, A man finds his purpose by supporting gay rights.

After his bisexual girlfriend commits suicide after being harrassed by an ex boyfriend, A man finds his purpose by supporting gay rights.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Story is conflict

      It usually begins with an inciting incident: ?”After his bisexual girlfriend commits suicide after being harassed by an ex boyfriend…”

      This incident should then lead to conflict.

      The problem with your logline is, your inciting incident doesn’t lead to conflict. In fact just the opposite you character seems to find solace from joining the gay rights movement.

      In other words, if there is a main conflict in your story, it should be in the logline. That’s what’ll grip the reader.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this.

      **The key to improving this logline is determining the main conflict of your story; then adding it to the logline**

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    2. Mentor

      Hello, I can’t picture what there will be in the movie, visually. The?beginning is clear, the girl committing suicide, but then what happens?
      Try to add an adjective to characterize the “man”.

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    3. Singularity

      What?was his purpose before gay rights??What was his opinion of gays before the suicide?? The protagonist in the movie “The Dallas Buyers Club” was a rabid, red-neck gay-basher — until he contracts AIDS which forces him to realize?the dignity and?humanity of the he had despised.? Similarly, I think it would a stronger story if?this logline?entails a 180 reversal of the man’s point of view on gays.

      But that’s a subjective factor, the protagonists internal, ?subject need.? And loglines are about external objective goals.?In “The Dallas Buyers Club” the protagonist’s objective goal is to obtain a steady supply of AIDS drugs and treatments that are not sanctioned.? His character arc — coming to a compassionate respect for non-heterosexuals –?is an unintentional ?by-product of?his struggle for his?objective goal.

      Also? this logline?seems to give away ?the ending that the story.? In which case there is no dramatic question, no suspense as to how the story will turn out.? A logline should lay out a dramatic problem the protagonist must solve, but it should not give away the outcome.

      So then, as a result of the suicide ?what becomes the protagonist’s ?external (not internal), objective (not subjective), intentional (not unintentional) goal?? What?specific ?action must he take toward?what concrete goal?

      Who/what opposes his struggle for that goal?

      And what are the stakes?? That is, what does the man stand to gain if he succeeds??? And conversely, ?what does he stand to lose given the fact that he’s lost his girlfriend? forever– she’s dead?

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