Samurai
Posted: 2013-03-24T14:19:14+10:00 In:

After joining the crew of an AWOL Confederate steamer, an idealistic medical student must survive the savagery of the ship's captain and crew in order to take part in the destruction of a Union whaling fleet in the Pacific Ocean.

The Shenandoah

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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Sounds like a great idea Nicholas, glad to hear it happened.

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    2. Samurai

      Actually, for the most part, yes it is accurate.

      In fact, the full story is that the CSS Shenandoah was on a mission to take down Union whaling boats in the pacific ocean. It landed at Williamstown, a port near Melbourne Australia. There was some tension, as the British controlled Australian port (in an attempt to remain neutral) was ordered not to assist in repairs, but it ended up that the ship was indeed repaired, and 40 young Australians stowed away on board. Once in international waters, the 40 were enlisted, and the mission resumed.
      They had an insane number of battles, sinking heaps of Union ships, up around the north of Australia. The Shenandoah also happens to be the ship that fired the last shot of the conflict; word hadn’t reached them of the end of the civil war until months later.
      Finally, knowing that they’d be tried as pirates if they returned to US shores (which is what ultimately happened), they refitted the ship and tried to lay low, but eventually docked in the UK.

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    3. Samurai

      Absolutely fantastic feedback. Thanks mate – I’ll mull it over some more.

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    4. It’s unclear what the goals are. Who wants to fight the Union whaling fleet? The captain? The student? Both? Is the ship AWOL and headed for the battle or away from it? Does the student want to convince the captain to undertake the attack or dissuade him from it?

      I’ll assume the captain went AWOL to go fight the whaling fleet, and the student joined for that very reason.

      * “idealistic” — too abstract. Character flaws/strengths must be specific and grounded. In what way is the Student high-minded? I’ve selected one in my revision.

      * “joining the crew” — TMI, unless it’s crucial to the LL

      * “AWOL” — acronyms not a good idea in LLs.

      * “Pacific Ocean” — TMI, unless it’s crucial to the LL

      * “must survive the savagery” — conflict is way too abstract. Also, it’s a reactive/passive motivation, like a boxer trapped in the ring corner with his arms up to defend his body and face from his opponent’s flurried punches. As it stands, the central conflict in this LL is student versus the captain/crew. The attack on the whaling fleet is marginal. Conceivably, the story could end before the attack. If you intend for the attack to be a large part of the story then you need to weight your LL differently.

      REVISED 1: “A pretentious medical student struggles to civilize the ruthless captain and savage crew aboard a rogue Confederate steamer on its way to attack a Union whaling fleet.”

      That makes the student’s motivation active: he wants to teach these sailors how to be human again.

      REVISED 2: “A pretentious medical student endures a ruthless captain and savage crew aboard a rogue Confederate steamer on its way to attack a Union whaling fleet.”

      That’s the passive version that makes clear there’ll be no character arc for the captain and crew.

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    5. Nice job dude..

      It’s a bit of a tongue tie atm and thats the only issue..

      Happy writing 😀

      Tor

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    6. Singularity

      Is this historically accurate? Did the Union have ships in the Pacific during the civil war?

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