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pat21532
Posted: August 15, 20132013-08-15T03:58:04+10:00 2013-08-15T03:58:04+10:00In: Public

After Losing a leg in a tragic accident, A star hockey player pursues a return to his former team

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    1. [Deleted User]
      2013-08-16T00:28:03+10:00Added an answer on August 16, 2013 at 12:28 am

      I’m sure that there will be plenty of physical and emotional uncertainty that your hero will overcome. Perhaps add something like “a star hockey player overcomes the odds.” What’s more, returning to a former team lacks punch. Consider instead “a return to greatness.” So, the star hockey player overcomes the odds and returns to greatness. I’d say a one-legged player is mighty unique.

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    2. dpg Singularity
      2013-08-15T08:44:59+10:00Added an answer on August 15, 2013 at 8:44 am

      Truth is stranger than fiction. So if the premise is based upon a true story, then the story immediately has a lot going for it. Otherwise, it’s hard to be buy into the premise.

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    3. Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai
      2013-08-15T08:25:59+10:00Added an answer on August 15, 2013 at 8:25 am

      Something just doesn’t sit right with me about the clarity of your protagonist’s goal. I feel like “pursuing the return” would be like the training montage in the film, and that the majority of it would actually be the player on the team, playing in games, and facing his physical shortcomings in the matches as well as his own team-mates shaken confidence in him.

      I don’t want to tell you how to write your story – particularly if you’ve already scripted it – but it feels like it would work better if the “event” half of your logline was akin to: “When a star hockey-player returns to the sport he loves after tragically losing his leg …”

      And then the “action” half of the logline would revolve around either the team beating a specific team, or winning the championship, or getting into the playoffs. Something that is concrete and can be visualized by the reader.

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    4. Tony Edward Samurai
      2013-08-15T08:21:24+10:00Added an answer on August 15, 2013 at 8:21 am

      If he joined, like, a winter para-Olympian team (not sure if one exits though…) it has legs (pun intended there 🙂 )….. Or if he became the team’s coach it could have a good run as well…

      Best of luck… Hop it goes well…

      😉

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    5. Richiev Singularity
      2013-08-15T07:59:52+10:00Added an answer on August 15, 2013 at 7:59 am

      As far as loglins go, it’s concise and to the point. We see a goal and what’s standing (no pun intended) in the leads way.

      However, I’m not sure it’s believable a one legged hockey player could make a comeback. Unless the scripts based on a true story it might be reaching when it comes to suspension of disbelief.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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