The Nash?s Historical Dash
JBalmerPenpusher
Along with their pet turtle, a brother and sister duo encounter some of America?s most exciting historical figures while on a journey to collect jelly beans they accidentally spilled into a time portal.
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Hi,
i like the idea of a children’s movie with a time portal but I’m not sure all the elements go together. Firstly, jelly beans don’t seem like something you’d risk your life going into the unknown for. If they dropped something critical in there however, like something they’re not supposed to have in the first place (a grandfathers priceless pocket watch, a key to a safe – I don’t know), I can see them thinking they must go into the portal to retrieve it. Even better, if it was something CRITICAL to their present, going into the past to retrieve it would be even more significant. Maybe it’s something that will stop their parents getting divorced. Again – I’m just plucking things from the air.
Secondly, keen to understand how the historical figures will help them in their journey. I guess I’m wondering who they meet and how it impacts the story. Why historical figures and not cavemen or dinosaurs? Or why not into the future. Explaining this in the logline (briefly) might paint a better picture for the reader.
Finally, what part does the turtle play? He seems integral given he features in the logline.
I hope this helps, good luck.
It’s a logline for a show. The turtle isn’t a critical part, she is just a member of the team. So I thought it was important to mention her. The beans are going through the time portal and messing up historical events, which in turn is negatively impacting the present.
>>The beans are going through the time portal and messing up historical events,
Okay. The logline doesn’t make sense without that snippet of info. So:
After two kids accidently mess up the space-time continuum, they must restore historical events and people to their proper order in space and time.
BTW: My gut tells me the concept could work equally as well as a movie franchise, not just a TV series.(But then my gut rumbles in a Neolithic proto-Dravidian dialect; I could be mistranslating.) fwiw.
After two kids accidentally mess up the space-time continuum, they must make frequent trips to the past in order to undo the damage that they have caused to the present.
After two teen nerds accidentally mess up the space-time continuum in a science experiment, they must undo the damage to the past before it destroys the present and the future.
(Yeah, I know. But jelly beans spilled in a time portal just doesn’t cut it for me. I think there needs to be some of voodoo-pseudo-science to sell the concept. fwiw.)
They are 12 and 9 lol and it’s jelly beans because its supposed to be a silly kids show. And it’s not a failed science experiment, the sister accidentally spills the beans. Its meant to show how something so small and insignificant can alter history.
After two kids accidentally mess up the space-time continuum with spilled beans, they must undo the damage to the past before it destroys the present and the future.
Okay, your demographic is pre-teen. But what’s the pseudo-voodoo scientific explanation (within the world of the story) that spilling the beans could mess up time?
The beans are stopping historical events from happening. Like one episode involves John Hancock slipping on a bean and throwing his back out so he is unable deliver his famous signature to the Declaration of Independence. So the kids have to travel back to the past and try to forge his name on the already encased document. There isn’t a science to it really. It’s just beans spilling all throughout history and messing things up.
Perhaps the age demographic will suspend disbelief and buy into the spilt beans that alter time for no other reason than they were spilled. But first you have to get your script past the gatekeepers, the story readers, and into the hands of the powers-that-be who can green light the project. Who are all adults; who might ask the questions I have.
Good luck with your concept.
What reasoning would you suggest? Should I make the jelly beans magical or something?
What if the time-gimmick was a mysterious app rather than jelly beans? Say the inciting incident commences when the 9-year old downloads it onto the 12-year old’s smartphone, taps the icon. Complications ensue.
The primary story story line would be to clean up the mess in the space-time continuum. But a secondary story line could be to solve the mystery of the origins and original purpose of the app. Who wrote the code and why? Was it designed for travel along the space-time continuum, but because of a software bug it scrambles time — or is that a feature, not a bug?
(If you’re going to make a series out of the premise, you’re going to need multiple
story threads, are you not?)
fwiw.
I was thinking about adding different arcs and stuff, but I’m submitting to Amazon and they have a lot of serialized series on the development already. So I thought I would do standalone episodes with the show.
Okay. Consider that the Amazon gatekeepers might be more intrigued by a story that turns on smartphone or tablets rather than jelly beans.
Just saying.
I’ve tried to write feedback a few times, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve actually included most of the elements you need for a good logline, but it’s just bloated and a little confusing. I think you need to just keep trimming, clarifying, simplifying, and the premise has legs.
The only other thing I’d suggest, which could be the key to it all fitting together nicely, is that the stakes are unclear. WHY are these characters trying to collect the beans? What happens if they fail?
Hi,
I tend to agree with dpg. If you look at the kids of today (ages 4+) they are 100% into technology – ipdas, DS, smart phones etc. Holding their interest requires a show that’s informative, action packed, modern and fast paced. Sad but true.
good luck.