Corridor One
corridoroneLogliner
An art forgery expert is set on an involuntary adventure that promises to solve an old crime and reveal the secret of her vanished family, all this after a mysterious man delivers an unusual package to her apartment.
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Based on a book Corridor One by Rafael H. Derchansky
Short Synopsis:
Dina, a tenacious art forgery expert, is suddenly dragged back into her past life when an extraordinary package is left at her apartment by a mysterious man who seems to know the most personal and intimate details about her past. Why now? Can he be trusted? With new revelations, her life quickly spirals into a maelstrom of confusion and Dina is torn between her innocent desire to believe the stranger and her professional instincts telling her that everything is not as it seems. As she struggles to understand what is happening, an unsolved, decades-old crime linked to a missing treasure becomes the center of her life. Embarking on an unexpected and mystifying adventure that interrupts her busy life, Dina must confront the shadows of her past and face the truth about her family. What happened more than twenty years ago when her father and brother were torn away from her? Together with her colleagues and their expertise, the mystery might be solved. But will her team unconditionally support her in her effort to put together the pieces of this long-broken puzzle? To shed light upon the truth, Dina will have to travel to a place that holds many painful memories and face the ghosts of her past. There she will learn about the fate of her doting father and beloved brother, who has been lost to a shadowy, clandestine organization known only to a few locals as Corridor One. Dina will have to rely on the help of an unlikely partner and an old, long-forgotten Siberian mental art to accomplish her goals. But is Dina alone on her path or is somebody quietly watching her steps?
You’ve made the logline about as vague as possible: adventure, crime, secret, vanishing, mysterious, unusual?yeah but what actually happens? What makes this interesting?
Thank You.
“set on an involuntary adventure that promises to solve an old crime and reveal the secret of her vanished family” is this not enough?
The latest draft of the logline is even more vague than the original. The use of descriptions such as “…promises to solve an old crime…” and “…secret of her vanished family..” do no elaborate on specific plot details.
Best to specify in a logline what the characters will actually do.
Secondly there are a few fundamental problems with the logline. The first is if the main character is made to go on a journey involuntarily then it is not interesting but if they have a burning need to achieve a goal and go on their journey motivated beyond doubt then they are worthy of an audience’s interest.
The second is there is no plot described because the logline lacks an inciting incident and a goal. Why must the main character go on their journey now and not a year ago or a year from today? What set the main character off on the journey? What is it the main character actually want and need to achieve? What is their goal? what will the end of the journey look like?
Don’t feel compelled to stick to the book page for page adapt it to the screen by converting the emotional charge of each chapter into cinematic visuals. Motivate the characters to act out of motivation and make choices that produce the same meanings as the inner monologue insights written in the book.
Hope this helps.
1) What does the lead character want?
If the lead character has a compelling goal, it should be added to the logline.
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2) What are the consequences of failure, what will the lead character lose?
We should know from the logline what the stakes are.
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What set’s this story in motion?
You say involuntary; is it blackmail? Is someone the lead cares about held hostage? Will the lead character be killed if they don’t go on the adventure? What event causes the lead character to be forced to go against their will. This is very important to the logline.
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Hope this helps, good luck with this!
Dina, a tenacious art forgery expert (This is confusing, is she an expert at forging art or is she an expert at detecting forgeries? it can be read both ways), is suddenly (Don’t need to say suddenly) dragged back into her past life (Past life as a what?) when an extraordinary package (What specifically makes this package extraordinary a package full of talking bees? That would be extraordinary) is left at her apartment by a mysterious man who seems to know the most personal and intimate details about her past. (Still haven?t told us about her past)
Why now? (Not needed) Can he be trusted?(Not needed) With new revelations (Of what?), her life quickly spirals into a maelstrom of confusion (Not needed) and Dina is torn between her innocent desire to believe the stranger (Still haven’t told us what the revelation is, if you tell us the revelation, we might understand why she wants to believe) and her professional instincts telling her that everything is not as it seems. (You should cut everything after the word instincts)
As she struggles to understand what is happening, (Not needed) an unsolved, decades-old crime (What crime? murder? kidnapping? be specific) linked to a missing treasure (Missing diamonds? Missing paintings by Rembrandt? be specific) becomes the center of her life.
Embarking on an unexpected and mystifying adventure that interrupts her busy life (Not needed), Dina must confront the shadows of her past (How will confronting shadows of her past help solve the mystery) and face the truth about her family.
What happened more than twenty years ago when her father and brother were torn away from her? (Not needed) Together with her colleagues (Be more specific, a dance teacher and and ex-rugby player for instance) and their expertise, the mystery might be solved. But will her team unconditionally support her in her effort to put together the pieces of this long-broken puzzle? (Not needed, basically if your sentence ends in a question mark, it should be deleted)
To shed light upon the truth, Dina will have to travel to a place (A place? be specific Peru, Berlin, Disneyland) that holds many painful memories (Of what?) and face the ghosts of her past (Redundant, you already said she must confront shadows of the past).
There she will learn about the fate of her doting father and beloved brother, (Doting and beloved are not needed) who has (have) been lost to a shadowy, clandestine (Saying both shadowy and clandestine is redundant) organization known only to a few locals (Since you haven’t told us where we are, you don’t need to say ‘to a few locals’) as Corridor One.
Dina will have to rely on the help of an unlikely partner (An old gypsy? a grizzled veteran? Be specific. Unlikely partner is too vague) and an old, long-forgotten (If it’s long forgotten how can she rely on it) Siberian mental art to accomplish her goals. But is Dina alone on her path or is somebody quietly watching her steps? (not needed)
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One thing I have noticed, in both the logline and your synopsis, there is no clue as to how the lead character’s being an ‘art forgery expert’ connects to the story, nor have you told us what her past life was so we don’t know how that connects to the story either.
Who she is and what the adventure is, should connect to one another and should be represented in your description of the story.
For instance, if the ‘treasure’ has to do with forged art then we could see how it would all connect, but since you only say ‘treasure’ but don’t give us any details as to what that treasure is, we are lost as to how it all connects.
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Hope this helps, good luck with this!
Seems like the story is the following:
After a forger receives irrefutable evidence from an anonymous source implicating her in her husband’s murder, she is forced to copy one more masterpiece, while searching for husband’s real murderer.
The ‘involuntary adventure’ sounds like a passive MC who rather than takes action, is merely reacting. Personally, I would avoid this type of character – you want your MC to be the driving force.
Thank you again !!!! It really helps. I changed the log line to:
“A young women goes to Siberia to search for a missing treasure and her vanished family after a man leaves the diary of her long lost brother at her apartment.”
Thank you again !!!! It really helps. I changed the log line to:
“A young women goes to Siberia to search for a missing treasure and her vanished family after a man leaves the diary of her long lost brother at her apartment.”
Thank you again !!!! It really helps. I changed the log line to:
“A young women goes to Siberia to search for a missing treasure and her vanished family after a man leaves the diary of her long lost brother at her apartment.”
Thank you again !!!! It really helps. I changed the log line to:
“A young women goes to Siberia to search for a missing treasure and her vanished family after a man leaves the diary of her long lost brother at her apartment.”
Thank you again !!!! It really helps. I changed the log line to:
“A young women goes to Siberia to search for a missing treasure and her vanished family after a man leaves the diary of her long lost brother at her apartment.”
Your re-write is much better, I would try placing the inciting incident in the beginning of the longline, I believe it will fit better there… “After a man leaves her the diary of her long lost brother…”
I went to Amazon and read the reviews of you book, they are very positive, so it is just a matter of getting a logline as intriguing as the book.
Hope that helped.
Thank you for your suggestions and encouragment. Going back to try to make it better.
This could be interesting but it is very vague and complicated. A lot of big words make it hard to follow and the characters i didn’t find are very clear. Would this have a single protagonist or be an ensemble piece?
What do you think?
When new clues from the diary of her long lost brother, help a young woman to solve a riddle of decades old crime, she is compelled to go to Siberia in search for her vanished family and a missing treasure
My biggest tip would be to make your logline chronological as your logline jumps around a bit and becomes very long and convoluted. Try and keep it clear and concise focusing on the story the way you would tell it in the screenplay.