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An astrophysicist embarks on secret mission to create a new planet, hoping to end a global war before an enemy tribe turns his people against their own.
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Third attempt, more focused on the core story:
When a young, self-centered astrophysicist is entrusted with the fate of his people, he risks his life to find them a new home before an invading army lays waste to their dying planet.
>> early drafts of Star Wars are a sprawling mess… if you haven?t read them I?d strongly recommend it–they seem way too focused on the sci-fi elements as opposed the final film?s story,
Yep. Second the emotion. Well, worth studying.
And Pixar’s motto: the story comes first. Only after the story is worked out do they do they apply the CGI eye candy.
This is what I’m reading:
Two tribes become stranded on a dying planet (How/ Why?)
This event causes the two ‘tribes’ (races?) to go to war (How/ Why?…the only way i could see this plausibly happening is if one tribe blames the other for becoming stranded on the dying planet..?)
To avert/ stop the war an astrophysicist decides that terraforming(?) the planet will somehow accomplish this..(or is it a different planet? … That’s confusing…because they’d have to leave said dying planet to reach said ‘new’ planet, which means they’re not actually stranded…;) )
Regardless, what’s our hero’s MAIN action — to convince the Enemy that he can terraform a planet, or to terraform the planet? And more to the point, if it’s SECRET, i.e. the Enemy doesn’t even know about it, how could it be used as some kind of peace offering? In Red Mars (a novel, not a film… Yet…) it takes ’em decades, in fact centuries, to terraform Mars… The only way that the author, Kim Stanley Robinson, gets away with it is by the creation of a drug that extends the average human lifespan to 500 years plus…Your guy would have to have some pretty wiz bang method of terraforming planets for me to digest your premise… But who knows?
FWIW, Georgie Boy Lucas’s early drafts of Star Wars are a sprawling mess (not to suggest your screenplay, if written, is…) — if you haven’t read them I’d strongly recommend it — they seem way too focused on the sci-fi elements as opposed the final film’s story, which is simple and well refined, IMO. It can begin and end in getting the story in the longline — and as others have already mentioned, it’s confusing at the moment…
But good luck nonetheless 😉
You second attempt is still a little confusing because it doesn’t explain how creating a new planet will end a global war.
I could see how creating a new planet could help his tribe escape oppression but I still don’t see how it would end a war.
Second the word ‘tribe is odd. When you think tribe you think guys with spears not a high tech society.
I would keep trying, it sounds like the idea is in your head but you are having trouble translating it into a logline that people can understand. Good luck with this.
Here’s an updated version, based on the feedback:
A hot-shot astrophysicist embarks on a fateful mission to create a new planet, hoping to end a global war that broke out when his and another tribe became stranded on a dying planet.
Great feedback. Thanks guys.
I’ll keep working on it.
Agreed – nothing new to add. Too confusing to engage my interest.
What Richiev said. Incongruent causality and unclear phrasing.
This logline is a bit confusing.
I don’t understand how creating a secret planet will end a global war. If it’s a secret, how will it end a war?
“Before an enemy tribe turns his people against their own?” this is also confusing, so they are going to turn his tribe against each other?
So in the end you have a lead character: An astrophysicist
A goal: Ending a global war,
And an action: A secret mission to create a new planet.
But I have no idea how those things connect and how that relates to and enemy trying to turn his people against each other.
If it was clearer on those points your logline would be better.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!