Penpusher
Posted: 2018-07-27T07:33:13+10:00 In:

An emotionally & physically abused teen witnesses the murder of his family, his abuser responsible. ?Now an adult, he along with his K9 enact revenge on the entire family responsible, destroying their?family business of drugs and prostitution.?

An emotionally & physically abused teen witnesses the murder of his family, his abuser responsible. ?Now an adult, he along with his K9 enact revenge on the entire family responsible, destroying their?family business of drugs and prostitution.?
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Stories with inciting incidents that occur ten to twenty years in the past are tough to write loglines for.

      Here is an attempt, I didn’t know what your character’s job was, so I had to improvise, you can change it to fit your character of course.
      —————————————-
      “When he discovers the drug dealers who? just moved into his fading neighborhood are the same ones who killed his family when he was a kid, a local pastor goes old testament and begins taking out their operation piece by piece and eye for eye.”

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Richiev BUT I think that if the inciting incident is placed directly before the action – both in the logline and the script, it can work well.

      However, the logline is too long, unclear and repetitive to work well.
      I’ll add that he has a negative goal ‘revenge’ and it’s likely a better choice to make him want to protect other other people.

      Here is a quick clean up for you:

      After the mob kills his family, a teenager must bring down the criminal empire to save other families from the same fate.

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    3. Singularity

      As Nir suggested, the problem with the negative goal, particularly if he ends up taking revenge on the entire family (not just the one person who murdered his family), is that the audience might struggle to get behind him. What’s making him any better than the guy who killed his family?

      Is he a cop? Using K9 (as opposed to canine) suggests a law enforcement dog such as a German Shepherd. This should be clarified ALTHOUGH the dog seems to have no bearing on the story based on this logline so I see no reason to include it. If you took this element out of the story and everything still starts and finishes the same way then take it out of the logline.

      What sort of adult is this guy now? Give us a characteristic and/or a profession. That’ll tell us a bit about who he is now.

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