Stan Antonio
After an outbound insurance sales call ends in a supernatural plea for help from a terrified mother, a geeky telemarketer who can locate anything must overcome the trauma his ability once caused him in order to save a kidnapped girl.
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I think that you need to include his envolvement with this case. Why should he get involved in a domestic issue?
I think that you need to include his envolvement with this case. Why should he get involved in a domestic issue?
Very good point, let me work on that. Thank you!
Very good point, let me work on that. Thank you!
Is that a bit better? Without making it too long?
Is that a bit better? Without making it too long?
Your character trait and your goal don’t match.
Character trait: He can find anything; that would be great if she was already missing but his goal is stop the girl from being kidnapped in the first place.
Not sure how that relates?
Your character trait and your goal don’t match.
Character trait: He can find anything; that would be great if she was already missing but his goal is stop the girl from being kidnapped in the first place.
Not sure how that relates?
Man, you guys are challenging and good. Just what I needed. Edited!
Man, you guys are challenging and good. Just what I needed. Edited!
Richiev is spot on. And even as revised, I still think there is a mismatch between the character flaw and the goal.
I subscribe to the notion that a good plot is a conspiracy against the protagonist. It is an attack at the defense mechanisms, the psychic armor, the protagonist has been hiding behind rather than confront a character weakness or personal problem.
What personal problem does the kidnapping force the telemarketer to deal with? What character flaw must he overcome in order to rescue the girl?
Richiev is spot on. And even as revised, I still think there is a mismatch between the character flaw and the goal.
I subscribe to the notion that a good plot is a conspiracy against the protagonist. It is an attack at the defense mechanisms, the psychic armor, the protagonist has been hiding behind rather than confront a character weakness or personal problem.
What personal problem does the kidnapping force the telemarketer to deal with? What character flaw must he overcome in order to rescue the girl?
Better, and yes, a little too long.
Better, and yes, a little too long.
How about this?
—–
“After over-hearing a girl being kidnapped, a telemarketer with the ability to locate anything must stop her from being taken across the border by her estranged father when local authorities dismiss his story.”
—-
Hope that helped,
btw, if you are still working on this, I would make the father a former police officer with friends on the force. They take his side and even threaten the protagonist to stop making false accusations.
How about this?
—–
“After over-hearing a girl being kidnapped, a telemarketer with the ability to locate anything must stop her from being taken across the border by her estranged father when local authorities dismiss his story.”
—-
Hope that helped,
btw, if you are still working on this, I would make the father a former police officer with friends on the force. They take his side and even threaten the protagonist to stop making false accusations.
Man, these are great notes. I can see that this is not clearly communicating the main plot line. I need to take some time and work on it and come back so I don’t nickel and dime your comments into eternity. Thanks, guys!
Man, these are great notes. I can see that this is not clearly communicating the main plot line. I need to take some time and work on it and come back so I don’t nickel and dime your comments into eternity. Thanks, guys!
Why not make him a working detective with an uncanny “ability to find anything”?
Or a disgraced detective who was forced to resign and is now working in the only job he could get — telemarketing? Now he has one last chance to redeem himself.
one last
As originally written, in the opening minutes of the movie before the inciting incident (the kidnapping) what opportunities are there to show the audience that he has an “uncanny ability to locate anything”? The job of a telemarketer is to read a script,close the sale — it’s not his job to investigate, to find things.
Why not make him a working detective with an uncanny “ability to find anything”?
Or a disgraced detective who was forced to resign and is now working in the only job he could get — telemarketing? Now he has one last chance to redeem himself.
one last
As originally written, in the opening minutes of the movie before the inciting incident (the kidnapping) what opportunities are there to show the audience that he has an “uncanny ability to locate anything”? The job of a telemarketer is to read a script,close the sale — it’s not his job to investigate, to find things.
Okay, big re-edit. I can see just how much I wasn’t communicating through the original line. Take a look and let me know. 🙂
Okay, big re-edit. I can see just how much I wasn’t communicating through the original line. Take a look and let me know. 🙂
You are going to have to define “Supernatural Phone call” not sure what that means.
You are going to have to define “Supernatural Phone call” not sure what that means.
Okay, your logline is becoming more clear and more muddy at the same time.
How does the character know it’s a supernatural plea? It’s a phone, he can’t see what’s on the other side of the line, if there is a plea for help how does he know it’s supernatural?
Okay, your logline is becoming more clear and more muddy at the same time.
How does the character know it’s a supernatural plea? It’s a phone, he can’t see what’s on the other side of the line, if there is a plea for help how does he know it’s supernatural?
Hmm… well, to explain: In the script he hears two overlapping conversations over the phone from the same woman: One that’s really happening at that moment and one that’s kind of like eavesdropping on a panicked phone call she’s going to make to the police later that day, reporting her daughter missing and probably kidnapped. The “supernatural” call he can tell is different, it’s echo-y and distant, it doesn’t respond to his questions (like the present-moment call does) but also the stronger of the two voices he hears.
This particular thing has never happened to him before, but he can feel something that he hasn’t felt since the first (and last) time he used this “ability” for someone else. Which ended badly for him.
So, how much of this detail does the logline need to try to encode?
Hmm… well, to explain: In the script he hears two overlapping conversations over the phone from the same woman: One that’s really happening at that moment and one that’s kind of like eavesdropping on a panicked phone call she’s going to make to the police later that day, reporting her daughter missing and probably kidnapped. The “supernatural” call he can tell is different, it’s echo-y and distant, it doesn’t respond to his questions (like the present-moment call does) but also the stronger of the two voices he hears.
This particular thing has never happened to him before, but he can feel something that he hasn’t felt since the first (and last) time he used this “ability” for someone else. Which ended badly for him.
So, how much of this detail does the logline need to try to encode?
So, he has some kind of psychic gift? Is this a story where characters and/or situations depart from the normal rules of physics, chemistry, cognition that pertain to the world as we know it?
So, he has some kind of psychic gift? Is this a story where characters and/or situations depart from the normal rules of physics, chemistry, cognition that pertain to the world as we know it?
He has this gift, yes. He doesn’t know if anyone else does (and it doesn’t come up in the script) In this script that is the only thing that departs from the normal rules. (Though I’m considering pitching this as a pilot to a series, in which case almost certainly he’ll come across someone else that is… gifted in some different way).
He has this gift, yes. He doesn’t know if anyone else does (and it doesn’t come up in the script) In this script that is the only thing that departs from the normal rules. (Though I’m considering pitching this as a pilot to a series, in which case almost certainly he’ll come across someone else that is… gifted in some different way).
Possible Title: Sight Unseen
Possible Title: Sight Unseen
Biltrex,
For your consideration: a metaphor for discussing your logline in terms of its “nucleus” — core concept.
Using Scott Myers’ illuminating metaphor, it seems to me I’ve been going around and around and around the outer shell of the atom of your story. What I don’t understand is the nucleus, the core concept. Distilled to a few words, what do you consider to be the core concept, the nucleus, around which your plot, your logline, revolves?
Biltrex,
For your consideration: a metaphor for discussing your logline in terms of its “nucleus” — core concept.
Using Scott Myers’ illuminating metaphor, it seems to me I’ve been going around and around and around the outer shell of the atom of your story. What I don’t understand is the nucleus, the core concept. Distilled to a few words, what do you consider to be the core concept, the nucleus, around which your plot, your logline, revolves?