Titanic: D. S. V.
Presario2200Logliner
?Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division discovers her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus to destroy her while on board. Will this deadly psychological war destroy everything??
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This logline is way to long and confusing.
I would start the logline with the lead character instead of the team. In your attempt you don’t mention the lead character till the very last line. (Unless the ex-husband is the lead character)
Right. Ok.
How would you shorten it? It is two sentences with 44 words.
First, don’t use character’s names. Unless you’re writing the logline for an existing franchise, the name just wastes words and doesn’t grab me more than describing their personality. (Unless you’re talking about the character Jamie Lee Curtis guested as a couple times on NCIS? But even then, she’s a pretty obscure character to be referencing, so I’d avoid it).
Also, it’s very difficult to understand what her goal is: grapple with surrendering herself? This sounds like a single decision the character will make at some point (probably before the midpoint) of your film. Also, it’s going to be very difficult for her antagonist to STOP HER from making that choice.
So the grander goal is actually that she wants to save everyone on a prototype sub? But what does she actually have to do? And why is she involved at all? Did she help build the sub?
A lot of elements that don’t seem to tie together in any meaningful way, unfortunately.
How can her ex engage her in psycho warfare when he’s in prison and she’s on a sub?
Before I answer anymore questions, this web site is supposed to help people write log lines. I am feeling like all of these questions are going past that purview. While I admit that this can also help people write pitches, there is the issue of “creative rights”.
Presario2200:
I’m not asking you to give away the story. But one measure of a logline’s soundness is its ability to arouse interest without raising questions about the logic of the plot, so far as it is disclosed. Alas, your logline, as currently written, raises questions in my mind that distracts my attention from the dramatic merits of the story. Like: How is it possible for the ex to engage in psyche warfare if she’s on the sub and he’s in jail?
Also, the protagonist’s role should be stated in active verbs. The woman is the protagonist, right? Well, she’s “pulled into…” — that’s passive. What is her active, assertive response to the attack?
It’s also advisable to lay down the stakes. That is, what will happen if her ex succeeds? Will she go insane? Will the sub sink with all lives lost? Or…?
(FYI: These points, and others, are explained in the “Write It” menu option listed at the top of this web page).
DR. SAMANTHA RYAN
Dr. Samantha Ryan is the Director of the DoD PsyOps Division who was in a relationship with Leroy Jethro Gibbs, an NCIS Special Agent in charge of the Major Case Response Team.
She has at least one unnamed sister.
Dr. Ryan helped the team with a case regarding Harper Dearing, a businessman/terrorist who sought revenge against the Navy for the death of his son.
Harper Dearing confronted Pentagon profiler Dr. Samantha Ryan by threatening her young son Parker and forcing her to flee when he arranged for the release of her ex-husband from jail by buying out a judge who released her ex-husband on a technicality.
As such, she also permanently ended her relationship with Gibbs much to Gibbs’s own dismay.
Now, to answer your questions.
Yes, Dr. Ryan is the direct protagonist.
Her assertive response to the attack is to use her skills to provide Intel to stop him.
As an example, Sherlock Holms was the protagonist and James Moriarty was the antagonist.
If he is not stopped, the sub is destroyed with all hands, including her.
Their son is also in danger of being kidnapped if found by her ex.
So…. the real antagonist is the terrorist? Her ex- is just a pawn in his psycho-chess game?
Stripped down to its essentials would an accurate representation of the story line be something like: A psychic profiler must play a life and death mind game with a psychic terrorist who “psyches” other people into executing his terrorist plots?
DISCLAIMER: I came up with the idea for this movie while watching Season Nine of NCIS. Should NCIS decline to be involved with this movie, I will simply change the names while keeping the same premise of said movie.
Actually no. Harper Dearing was killed by Gibbs in the NCIS Episode “Extreme Prejudice”. To date, Samantha and her son are still in hiding from her ex husband, who, according to her, was put in prison “for a very good reason”. It was never stated what that specific reason was.
In this film, the antagonist is her ex husband who was Harper Dearing’s pawn.
Dr. Samantha Ryan and her ex husband are not psychics. PsyOps stands for Psychological Operations. I am not making a science fiction movie.
Oh. Well, I haven’t followed NCIS. My ignorant assumptions highlight a hazard with loglines: not everybody gets references to other stories or characters.
I was not assuming anything. I am just replying to my messages and knowing that question will be brought up by someone, I thought that I better bring it up.
So, where does my “log line” stand now?
IF I understand your explanation of the premise correctly, then the real antagonist is Dearing. But reading the logline only, the logical conclusion would be that the antagonist is really the ex-husband. So there’s that.
Hi Presario2200,
A logline should tell the reader exactly what the main plot of the story is… ATM this logline unfortunately does not — hence the above confusion and questions about specific elements to both character and plot from posters… (i.e. these questions are being asked so that in answering them you might see which elements are best extricated from the current logline and which are best to be included in any future revisions…) below is something that might be worth considering:
— There is no clear inciting incident — “While sent to evaluate the crew and staff…” reads as your current inciting incident… but I’d suggest that this is in fact the SET-UP to the inciting incident, not the incident itself that forces the protagonist to ACT. You have to ‘cut to the chase’ given that a logline, in a best case scenario, is 30 words or less and only one sentence… I.e….(not suggesting this is in your story…):
“When the head of the U.S. Navy Psy Ops division discovers her vengeful ex has planted a bomb on a Submarine she must (insert what she MUST do, in essence, her GOAL…), before (insert worst case scenario…the STAKES) happens…”
Best of luck — Tony Edward.
Harper Dearing died after being stabbed by Leroy Jethro Gibbs in the NCIS Season 10, Episode 1 Episode “Extreme Prejudice” which aired September 25, 2012.
Dearing used Dr. Ryan’s ex huband just to get her away from the case back then. The antagonist in this movie is her ex-husband. So, you are correct if you only read the log line.
Ok, it looks like this is starting to get somewhere, and this is a good thing.
I will try to explain this premise further.
1. This vessel is under the command of the U. S. Navy?s Atlantic Submarine Command.
2. Its purpose is for scientific research when not called to fight terrorism and piracy.
3. The Crew is a mixture of personnel from various countries friendly to the United States.
4. The civilian staff is also from various countries.
5. The reason why Dr. Samantha Ryan is on board the vessel is study how the crew and staff work together. After all, there are many politics involved in this and we do not need an international incident.
Now, getting back to her ex husband.
While out to sea, the skipper orders that the shake down starts. Everybody is doing his or her jobs and such. However, during a systems check on the computer, a yet unknown virus activates and starts to cause minor problems. These problems are not considered serious because it is a new vessel. However, when a diagnostic is done, an embedded video begins playing on all of the monitors. Dr. Ryan, being on the bridge when this happens, was talking to the skipper on the bridge. She sees the video playing, and recognizes the person speaking as her ex-husband. He starts by saying, Hello, Samantha. Remember me?? He then continues about what happened since his release from prison and the threats start. When he finishes, all hell breaks loose with major system wide problems.
The skipper calls a meeting so Dr. Ryan can explain, What the hell is going on and who the hell is that guy?? – Skipper.
Being the Director of PsyOps, a division of the Department of Defense, she has to use her skills to help stop her husband and save everybody on board the sub. As I suggested earlier, she is the female version of Sherlock Holms while her ex is James Moriarty.
So, by adjusting your example, it would be rendered as the following.
When the head of the U.S. Navy Psy Ops division discovers her vengeful ex has planted a computer virus on a Submarine she must (insert what she MUST do, in essence, her GOAL?), before (insert worst case scenario?the STAKES) happens??
Does this help clear the confusion?
Hi Presario 2200 (sorry for my flagged anonymity, but I’m having trouble logging in…)
The two most important elements are still unclear — what EXACTLY is the threat (yes, he has infiltrated the sub with a virus, but the important part is what he actually intends to do..?); and — what does she have to do to stop the threat… Obviously, without a clear indication of the threat, you’re going to be hard pressed in specifying what she HAS to do…
“…she has to use her skills to help stop her husband and save everybody on board the sub…” — this is close, but specifying HOW/ what skills she has to use would make the logline more interesting.
Below is just my spin as an example (yes, over thirty words, but hopefully a guide you could play with..):
“When her vengeful ex threatens to blow-up a U.S. nuclear sub using a computer virus, the head of the Navy’s PsyOps must convince him to give up the virus code before California goes up in smoke.”
One last idea — pitch it as a double episode… If its good it might help get your foot in the door there..??
Anyways — best of luck with it again — Tony Edward.
But I thought Dearing had the vendetta against the military, the motivation to threaten the sub with an IT attack. “…Harper Dearing, a businessman/terrorist who sought revenge against the Navy for the death of his son…” The ex only has a vendetta against her. (Or has Dearing been written out of the plot now?)
Anyway, what can she/must she do given that she’s only a PsyOps confronting an IT security crisis?
Hi Presario 2200 (sorry for my flagged anonymity, but I am having trouble logging in?)
[That is fine.]
The two most important elements are still unclear ? what EXACTLY is the threat (yes, he has infiltrated the sub with a virus, but the important part is what he actually intends to do…?); [He intends to kill her, and take her son. Her husband is a psycho. It is not that much different from any other abusive relationship that you hear about. The thing with this one is that Dr. Ryan and her husband are both highly trained in using what could be termed as “advanced psychology”. This is psychological warfare at its darkest level.] In addition ? what does she have to do to stop the threat?? Obviously, without a clear indication of the threat, you are going to be hard pressed in specifying what she HAS to do?[Her ex- husband is the threat. The virus he put into the computer system is the threat. Lose the computer, and you lose operational control of the vessel; helm does not respond, as well as communications, tactical, environmental control, engineering systems such as propulsion and reactor systems. Briefly, she is dead in the water; in this case, underwater.]
?she has to use her skills to help stop her husband and save everybody on board the sub?? ? this is close, but specifying HOW/ what skills she has to use would make the logline more interesting.
[During the crisis, the crew manages to get communications up, but barely. They contact NCIS because Gibbs is personally aware of her situation. SEE: NCIS Season 9. Therefore, she is able to provide NCIS with personal information to help them get him. Dr. Ryan, Agent Timothy McGee, and Forensics Scientist Miss Abigail Abby? Sciuto, are doing what they can onboard the sub. Agents Gibbs, DiNozzo, and Bishop, as well as Dr. Donald Ducky? Mallard, work out of NCIS to bring him down.]
[To understand what Dr. Ryan and PsyOps do, we need to understand what her department does. Psychological Operations – Planned operations to convey selected information and indicators to foreign audiences? so as to influence their emotions, motives, objective reasoning, and ultimately the behavior of foreign governments, organizations, groups, and individuals. The purpose of psychological operations is to induce or reinforce foreign attitudes and behavior favorable to the originator’s objectives. Also called PSYOP. See also overt peacetime psychological operations programs; perception management. Dictionary of Military and Associated Terms. US Department of Defense 2005. In this case, she knows how her husband thinks. She knows what he is capable of doing. In that way, she can help stop him. “Know your enemy” is a saying derived from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. I looked this up on the internet.]
Below is just my spin as an example (yes, over thirty words, but hopefully a guide you could play with…):
When her vengeful ex threatens to blow-up a U.S. nuclear sub using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up the virus code before California goes up in smoke.?
[Actually, because they already have that information, McGee, Abby, and the computer technicians on board the vessel, would be trying to stop the virus from doing further damage.]
[ When her vengeful ex threatens to destroy his ex-wife by destroying a U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear sub using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up before the submarine goes down.?]
One last idea ? pitch it as a double episode? If it is good, it might help get your foot in the door there…?
[Well, what I am putting together now is for a movie, with a possible television show to follow. What do you mean by double episode?? Do you mean a two part episode??
Anyways ? best of luck with it again ? Tony Edward.
Harper Dearing was killed by Agent Gibbs in Season 10 Episode 1 of NCIS. Even though Dearin is dead, Dr. Ryan’s ex husband is still on the loose. Now, her ex found her and plans on taking revenge against her.
On a side note, who names their kid “Harper” anyway? It is a wonder that he was not picked on as a child.
Ok, here are the the four log line suggestions that we have so far. The first one is my original, and the other three were suggested by you.
While sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division is pulled into a deadly psychological war by her manipulative and vengeful ex-husband for sending him to prison.?
When her vengeful ex threatens his ex-wife by destroying the U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear sub by using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up before the submarine goes down.?
When the head of the U.S. Navy Psy Ops division discovers her vengeful ex has planted a bomb on a Submarine she must (insert what she MUST do, in essence, her GOAL?), before (insert worst case scenario?the STAKES) happens??
When her vengeful ex threatens to blow-up a U.S. nuclear sub using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up the virus code before California goes up in smoke.?
How does it look now?
FWIW:
A routine evaluation of a new submarine’s crew by the head of the U.S. DoD PsyOps turns into a crisis threatening to sink the sub with all aboard when her vengeful ex-husband infects the computer systems with a virus.
But…. if you’re still aiming to write the story as an NCIS episode, I don’t see the fit with the core gimmick of the NCIS franchise; that is, agents solve mysteries. Episodes open with a crime and/or crime scene; there’s a whodunit-whydunit mystery to be solved, right? The whodunit here is the ex-husband. The whydoneit is revenge. What’s the mystery to be solved here?
On board the submarine Titanic, a civilian computer technician is seen downloading something into a computer. After he is done, he prepares to leave the boat with his equipment. He is seen being checked by ship security, and then is given permission to disembark.
He heads towards his car, but a limo pulls up by him. The door opens up and a man tells him to get in. As he sits down, the computer technician is asked if the job is completed, to which he replies that it is.
As he proceeds to leave the limo, the unknown man then draws a gun on the technician, kills him, and has the body placed in his car.
*INTRO CREDITS*
There is a problem with this web site. All of a sudden, I have to go to Windows Internet Explorer to get on here. I have I. E. 8.0.
Never mind. I fixed it.
I was just watching an interview about a movie called “Gimme shelter” and it gave me something of which to think. With respect to the situation involving Dr. Ryan and her son, the issue of spousal abuse should certainly be addressed in this film.
Incidentally, “Gimme shelter” is not about spousal abuse; however, the idea came to me nonetheless.
Does anybody have any further suggestions for my log line?
Ok, here are the log line suggestions that we have so far.
Sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division discovers her vengeful ex husband has planted a computer virus to destroy her while on board. Will this deadly psychological war destroy everything??
While sent to evaluate the crew and staff of a new submarine during its trial runs, the head of the U. S. DoD PsyOps Division is pulled into a deadly psychological war by her manipulative and vengeful ex-husband for sending him to prison.?
When her vengeful ex threatens his ex-wife by destroying the U.S. state-of-the-art nuclear sub by using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up before the submarine goes down.?
When the head of the U.S. Navy Psy Ops division discovers her vengeful ex has planted a bomb on a Submarine she must (insert what she MUST do, in essence, her GOAL?), before (insert worst case scenario?the STAKES) happens??
When her vengeful ex threatens to blow-up a U.S. nuclear sub using a computer virus, the head of the Navy?s PsyOps must convince him to give up the virus code before California goes up in smoke.?
A routine evaluation of a new submarine?s crew by the head of the U.S. DoD PsyOps turns into a crisis threatening to sink the sub with all aboard when her vengeful ex-husband infects the computer systems with a virus.?
How does my log line look so far?