DARION: Origin
"An ordinary young man, is physiologically transmuted by an unimaginable energy that predates history and is irrevocably forced to become humankind?s sole savior when a diabolical alien race, seeking that power wants to blow up the Earth."
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Both ‘Ordinary’ and ‘young’ are weak character descriptions.
You should give us a better description of your lead, it takes the same amount of words but can give the reader a better picture of who the lead is. Here would be a few examples of what I am talking about.
Shy student
Nerdy fast food worker
introverted physics major.
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“When aliens attack the earth, an introverted physics major is transformed by the power of Gaia and tasked with saving the planet from their destructive extraterrestrial strip mining.”
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Hope this helps, good luck!
“transmuted by an unimaginable energy that predates history”: I don’t understand this… Concretely what happens to him?
“irrevocably forced”, only “forced would be enough but the whole expression seems useless to me in this context.
Try to rewrite it making clear what is the inciting event and what the plot is about.
As far as I’m concerned, what I get from the current formulation is “an ordinary man gains superpowers to defy an alien invasion” and I found it too vague and not enough original. I’m sure you have a clearer vision but you have to find the right words to write it in a logline format.
Good luck,
What Richieve said.
Best to focus the logline on the plot and let the descriptions illustrate the flaws and obstacles in a concise manner.
Thank you so much FFF. This is exactly why I posted the logline as I had it. I’m testing how others perceive it so I can obtain such good FFFeedback and improve on this. I’m reading everyone’s helpful comments and back to the writing board.
Richiev – I am very grateful for your contribution. It has allowed me to obtain a clearer perspective on this logline goal. Believe me, no hoping. It’s working.
Nir Shelter – I “hear” you all and am sooo glad for your participations. Loglines seem easy from a general standpoint, until you try one. LOL. I’m re-thingking this and will return and see how it goes. I’ll reply soon with a modified response and see how well this ones fairs. Muchas gracias.
Hello everyone. Here’s my new modification to the logline.
“A young and jubilant father-to-be undergoes an extraordinary out-worldly metamorphosis and must defend Earth from a diabolical alien menace that retaliates with planetary destruction.”
>>unimaginable energy
Unimaginable? So… I’m supposed to buy a premise that leaves my mind blank, nothing specific to work with?
What fills that blank space in my mind is… the Force. What is so unique, so special about this “unimaginable energy” that differentiates it from the Force?
dpg, I see. Point well taken. I’m gonna work on this. Thank a lot.
Everyone – I’m reworking the specifics. Let me tweak it and give it a brand new go. All your tips ARE helpful. Truth!