Posted: 2012-09-07T16:51:07+10:00 In:

As a cursed detective struggles to contain the wolf within, he suspects he is being framed for murder. In order to uncover the true killer, he must accept the wolf? or be lost to the beast forever.

BEASTS – revised post feedback

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    8 Reviews

    1. Sounds interesting. Though there’s a lot of vague stuff here.
      “cursed detective” – specific
      “struggling to contain the wolf within” – vague
      “suspects he is being framed” – vague
      “framed for murder” – specific
      “uncover the true killer” – specific
      “accept the wolf…beast forever” – vague

      So far I’m seeing “A werewolf detective framed for murder must…(need something specific).

      Maybe the guy murdered was a working on a werewolf antidote thingy and so the only chance of getting his hands on this cure will be to unravel the mystery of his murder blah blah blah.”

      What did you have in mind?

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    2. Penpusher

      adjective even… lol

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    3. Penpusher

      That’s tight, man. Your story including inner and outer conflict in 19 words. Extremely tight.

      Since you have words to spare now, maybe you could intensify with an adverb (one of my passions) such as:

      ‘A cursed detective ? framed for murder ? needs to accept the terrifying beast within in order to uncover the true killer…’

      You could even add some inner freedom, from the ‘curse’ as well:

      A cursed detective ? framed for murder ? needs to accept the beast within to uncover the true killer…and free himself from the curse forever?

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    4. Thanks mate.

      How about this:

      A cursed detective – framed for murder – needs to accept the beast within in order to uncover the true killer?

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    5. Penpusher

      I see you’ve crafted the need leads to goal in your plot – awesome.

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    6. Penpusher

      I see what you mean.

      Ok, your original version has two goals: 1. Outward – uncover the true killer 2. Inner – accept the beast within. Great !

      Some teachers say that the best stories are where the hero learns his need is greater than his goal and realizing the need helps him achieve his goal…so something like:

      A cursed detective, framed for murder, needs to accept his inner beast to uncover the true killer…

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    7. I like it. Clean. Simple. Powerful. But it does not give any indication of fuel, 2nd act conflict, goal, stakes or antagonist.

      To work on what you have said:

      A cursed detective – framed for murder – must accept the beast within or be lost to it forever?

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    8. Penpusher

      I would try to contain it one sentence. Do you have to give away that he’s werewolf? Can you hint at it with ‘cursed’ and ‘beast’ ?

      A cursed detective, framed for murder, must accept his inner beast or be lost to it forever…

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