Falcone
Blue collar forty something finds time in his harried day to be a loving husband, caring father, dependable son, mob enforcer, and a violent sadistic killer all while masking his true identity.
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The basic problem with this logline is that it describes a general situation, but it does not describe a specific plot. Given the man’s multi-persona character and general situation then what?
What is the inciting incident?
What is his objective goal?
Who opposes him?
What is at stake?
The basic problem with this logline is that it describes a general situation, but it does not describe a specific plot. Given the man’s multi-persona character and general situation then what?
What is the inciting incident?
What is his objective goal?
Who opposes him?
What is at stake?
Very helpful feedback thank you. It is for a teleplay and I am going to take your words of wisdom and get back to this thread with the improvements.
Very helpful feedback thank you. It is for a teleplay and I am going to take your words of wisdom and get back to this thread with the improvements.
How about something like this: (Yours will be different to reflect the story you are trying to tell of course)
—–
“When he’s hired to kill his wife’s boss, a mob hit man’s must execute the job with out exposing his mob ties to his unsuspecting family and friends, who believe he’s a normal, loving, family man.”
—–
If his family doesn’t know he’s a mobster, then his greatest fear would be they find out.
placing him in a predicament where he could be exposed would greatly enhance the stakes.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
How about something like this: (Yours will be different to reflect the story you are trying to tell of course)
—–
“When he’s hired to kill his wife’s boss, a mob hit man’s must execute the job with out exposing his mob ties to his unsuspecting family and friends, who believe he’s a normal, loving, family man.”
—–
If his family doesn’t know he’s a mobster, then his greatest fear would be they find out.
placing him in a predicament where he could be exposed would greatly enhance the stakes.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
It’s a good combo family and hit man now think of the best “worst” thing for him in other words the worst thing that can happen to him and put him in that situation. Then, as previously mentioned, build all the elements you need to make the plot.
It’s a good combo family and hit man now think of the best “worst” thing for him in other words the worst thing that can happen to him and put him in that situation. Then, as previously mentioned, build all the elements you need to make the plot.
All great feedback, thank you! Richiev, his family is aware he is mafia as his father was, they are not aware that he is a sadistic violent hitman though. He has another identity that nobody at all knows about, he is CIA hence masking his true identity. Funny, my partner and I have the entire first season written out, everything including the series bible registered, and ready to have manager and agents roll it out but we somehow are stumped on the logline after a years straight work put in, ha! Go figure
All great feedback, thank you! Richiev, his family is aware he is mafia as his father was, they are not aware that he is a sadistic violent hitman though. He has another identity that nobody at all knows about, he is CIA hence masking his true identity. Funny, my partner and I have the entire first season written out, everything including the series bible registered, and ready to have manager and agents roll it out but we somehow are stumped on the logline after a years straight work put in, ha! Go figure
The hardest thing is writing a logline for your own story. You want to add to much or not enough.
The hardest thing is writing a logline for your own story. You want to add to much or not enough.
I feel this is too long for a logline but throwing it out there.
“A violent NYC mafia hitman faces challenges within his own faction as he maintains his daily life of being a loyal loving family man, and all while masking his true identity of a secret CIA agent.”
I feel this is too long for a logline but throwing it out there.
“A violent NYC mafia hitman faces challenges within his own faction as he maintains his daily life of being a loyal loving family man, and all while masking his true identity of a secret CIA agent.”
Usually a story begins when something happens that changes the status quo. In your story, does anything like that happen in the first episode?
Usually a story begins when something happens that changes the status quo. In your story, does anything like that happen in the first episode?
It immediately starts off by him showing his violent side in display of killing a long time friend. It then leads to show his soft side with his family. From there he is off into the daily mob business meetings for (arc) purposes, though that meeting is the start of something that you speak of that changes everything for the season whereas in episode 2 he does something as asked in that meeting in episode 1 where he starts to face challenges against his own faction. Ep. 1 caps off with the viewers finding out he is CIA.
It immediately starts off by him showing his violent side in display of killing a long time friend. It then leads to show his soft side with his family. From there he is off into the daily mob business meetings for (arc) purposes, though that meeting is the start of something that you speak of that changes everything for the season whereas in episode 2 he does something as asked in that meeting in episode 1 where he starts to face challenges against his own faction. Ep. 1 caps off with the viewers finding out he is CIA.
“When he’s recruited by the CIA, a mob hitman must balance his mob life and his family life as he’s forced into mission that could disrupt both.”
“When he’s recruited by the CIA, a mob hitman must balance his mob life and his family life as he’s forced into mission that could disrupt both.”
Btw, why the CIA not the FBI, the CIA’s dominion is overseas, the FBI’s dominion is domestic. What does he do for the CIA? does he go to other countries? Does he complete mission in Europe or the Middle East? How does doing CIA mission in other countries affect his mob life?
Btw, why the CIA not the FBI, the CIA’s dominion is overseas, the FBI’s dominion is domestic. What does he do for the CIA? does he go to other countries? Does he complete mission in Europe or the Middle East? How does doing CIA mission in other countries affect his mob life?
Still sounds rather vague with regards to the overall story in the logline.
What is it that happens in ep 2 that sets him off to achieve something? This would be your inciting incident.
Then consider restructuring the logline to start off with the inciting incident happening to the MC.
As it stands right now from the logline and what you’ve written here the pilot sounds like mostly setup and back story rather than setting up the character and showing what they will do for the remainder of the series.
Also in this instance better to specify in the logline who the bad guy is to give a clearer indication of the ongoing conflict.
Still sounds rather vague with regards to the overall story in the logline.
What is it that happens in ep 2 that sets him off to achieve something? This would be your inciting incident.
Then consider restructuring the logline to start off with the inciting incident happening to the MC.
As it stands right now from the logline and what you’ve written here the pilot sounds like mostly setup and back story rather than setting up the character and showing what they will do for the remainder of the series.
Also in this instance better to specify in the logline who the bad guy is to give a clearer indication of the ongoing conflict.
I am all in favour of pushing the envelop in asking viewers for suspension of disbelief, but this is cranking it up to 11.
1) As it has repeatedly mentioned on this web site, the CIA is not legally authorised to work on US soil. They are not even authorised to continue spying on potential target US citizens when they return on US soil. The FBI, the NSA, the department of Homeland Security will defend their turf with vigour. So unless the hitman executes mission abroad for them or does unsanctioned mission on US Soil, the CIA has no need for him.
2) the CIA Charter prohibits their agents to deliberately break the law when on US soil. So if he is an agent, he can’t be a hitman. Vice versa, if he is a hitman, he can’t be an agent.
3) He could still be an asset, but that asset has to bring pretty good intelligence for his handler risking jail and dismissal. Also assets are pretty much people used by their handler. Despite what they believe, they are never in control of the situation. However qualities that all good assets must have is reliability and predictability. A sadistic mob enforcer does not strike me as the kind of person an handler would want to rely on.
4) if he is the enforcer of a well established mafia family, he is under the radar of the local police, the FBI, the DEA and ATF. Having an asset in such cross fire of potential investigations is just not worth the risk for the CIA. An informant that his handler has to protect from other agencies become quite quickly a liability.
5) Enforcers have to have a reputation, and if he has a reputation, then his family must have heard about it. Credibility and fear must precede the enforcer otherwise he had to prove his credentials again and again. So his family must know about him being a feared enforcer. They just chose not to hear what is said about him. The same way Tony Soprano’s wife played the offended wife when Tony is called a gangster to her face, but she was willing to use Tony’s henchmen and illegal enforcers as Mob Boss’s wife when necessary.
I am all in favour of pushing the envelop in asking viewers for suspension of disbelief, but this is cranking it up to 11.
1) As it has repeatedly mentioned on this web site, the CIA is not legally authorised to work on US soil. They are not even authorised to continue spying on potential target US citizens when they return on US soil. The FBI, the NSA, the department of Homeland Security will defend their turf with vigour. So unless the hitman executes mission abroad for them or does unsanctioned mission on US Soil, the CIA has no need for him.
2) the CIA Charter prohibits their agents to deliberately break the law when on US soil. So if he is an agent, he can’t be a hitman. Vice versa, if he is a hitman, he can’t be an agent.
3) He could still be an asset, but that asset has to bring pretty good intelligence for his handler risking jail and dismissal. Also assets are pretty much people used by their handler. Despite what they believe, they are never in control of the situation. However qualities that all good assets must have is reliability and predictability. A sadistic mob enforcer does not strike me as the kind of person an handler would want to rely on.
4) if he is the enforcer of a well established mafia family, he is under the radar of the local police, the FBI, the DEA and ATF. Having an asset in such cross fire of potential investigations is just not worth the risk for the CIA. An informant that his handler has to protect from other agencies become quite quickly a liability.
5) Enforcers have to have a reputation, and if he has a reputation, then his family must have heard about it. Credibility and fear must precede the enforcer otherwise he had to prove his credentials again and again. So his family must know about him being a feared enforcer. They just chose not to hear what is said about him. The same way Tony Soprano’s wife played the offended wife when Tony is called a gangster to her face, but she was willing to use Tony’s henchmen and illegal enforcers as Mob Boss’s wife when necessary.
Protagonists who are double-agents, who live dual lives is a rather tried and true trope. So is the dichotomy of the brass knucles thug at work, the soft-touch paterfamilias at home, particularly since “The Godfather” series that redefined — and re-invigorated — the gangster genre.
My point is that even if I buy all the premises of the concept (and I share the concerns raised by Richiev, Nir Shelter and Valentin) I don’t see a novel and compelling hook. Something fresh and original, that’s never been tried before.
And now that it’s been explained the logline is for a series not a feature, I don’t get the sense that the concept has legs. By legs, I mean that a concept that has the strength (in complications and characters) for a dramatic marathon not a dramatic sprint; it can hold a viewing audience’s interest not just one time for 2 hours, but for an hour week after week after weeks for years.
Maybe it has legs, but I just don’t see them at the moment.
Protagonists who are double-agents, who live dual lives is a rather tried and true trope. So is the dichotomy of the brass knucles thug at work, the soft-touch paterfamilias at home, particularly since “The Godfather” series that redefined — and re-invigorated — the gangster genre.
My point is that even if I buy all the premises of the concept (and I share the concerns raised by Richiev, Nir Shelter and Valentin) I don’t see a novel and compelling hook. Something fresh and original, that’s never been tried before.
And now that it’s been explained the logline is for a series not a feature, I don’t get the sense that the concept has legs. By legs, I mean that a concept that has the strength (in complications and characters) for a dramatic marathon not a dramatic sprint; it can hold a viewing audience’s interest not just one time for 2 hours, but for an hour week after week after weeks for years.
Maybe it has legs, but I just don’t see them at the moment.
Thanks everyone. The FBI does not work or able to tie in. No back story in pilot at all, it is all about the arc. Our agent and manager approved of the pilot and the series and are excited, just missing out on the logline right now so they can submit. I have researched the CIA very well, apparently not many have since the mob and CIA been in cahoots for years and this is lightly based off a true story. If WME agent approves I know we have something, just not able to give out every detail to the storylines. I truly do appreciate all your feedback and truly have and do take it all into consideration. I knew our logline was way off and I was burned out on it so decided to take a shot here as I am very glad I did because all your input has truly helped and I am grateful for all of you as well as this site.
Thanks everyone. The FBI does not work or able to tie in. No back story in pilot at all, it is all about the arc. Our agent and manager approved of the pilot and the series and are excited, just missing out on the logline right now so they can submit. I have researched the CIA very well, apparently not many have since the mob and CIA been in cahoots for years and this is lightly based off a true story. If WME agent approves I know we have something, just not able to give out every detail to the storylines. I truly do appreciate all your feedback and truly have and do take it all into consideration. I knew our logline was way off and I was burned out on it so decided to take a shot here as I am very glad I did because all your input has truly helped and I am grateful for all of you as well as this site.
I wish my other projects didnt have legs because the agency approved this and not all the others. Sorry just could not give out as much info as people would like.
I wish my other projects didnt have legs because the agency approved this and not all the others. Sorry just could not give out as much info as people would like.
>> the mob and CIA been in cahoots for years and this is lightly based off a true story
It’s not exactly a state secret that the CIA has worked with the mob on international hit jobs — like attempting to assassinate Castro. But conspiring with the mob on domestic hit jobs is a whole other ball game. I’m not saying the CIA has never played that game. Who knows? They operate in the shadows and along the borders of legality.
But I seriously doubt if it constitutes standard operating procedure. And I have no doubt that such cases would be blatantly illegal — in egregious and intentional violation of federal statutes. And there is no way the CIA could cover its rear end politically before the U.S. Congress and the legally in the federal courts if the cover was blown (as they can and do on international jobs).
And if that’s the covert and illegal game your protagonist is playing — you gotta hook. Well, one that hooks my interest, a story line more interesting than the ol’ yada-yada about double agents and dual lives. Not only because he would be operating outside the bounds of the law, but because of the additional jeopardy and stakes such illegal activity entails: if he’s caught, if his cover is blown, the agency won’t come to his rescue, won’t bring him in from the cold. He will be abandoned to twist slowly, slowly in the wind (to mix/mangle metaphors) or he would be “allowed” to be terminated with extreme prejudice.
“The problem with living outside the law is that you no longer have its protection.”
— Truman Capote
And if that’s the hook, best wishes with your project.
>> the mob and CIA been in cahoots for years and this is lightly based off a true story
It’s not exactly a state secret that the CIA has worked with the mob on international hit jobs — like attempting to assassinate Castro. But conspiring with the mob on domestic hit jobs is a whole other ball game. I’m not saying the CIA has never played that game. Who knows? They operate in the shadows and along the borders of legality.
But I seriously doubt if it constitutes standard operating procedure. And I have no doubt that such cases would be blatantly illegal — in egregious and intentional violation of federal statutes. And there is no way the CIA could cover its rear end politically before the U.S. Congress and the legally in the federal courts if the cover was blown (as they can and do on international jobs).
And if that’s the covert and illegal game your protagonist is playing — you gotta hook. Well, one that hooks my interest, a story line more interesting than the ol’ yada-yada about double agents and dual lives. Not only because he would be operating outside the bounds of the law, but because of the additional jeopardy and stakes such illegal activity entails: if he’s caught, if his cover is blown, the agency won’t come to his rescue, won’t bring him in from the cold. He will be abandoned to twist slowly, slowly in the wind (to mix/mangle metaphors) or he would be “allowed” to be terminated with extreme prejudice.
“The problem with living outside the law is that you no longer have its protection.”
— Truman Capote
And if that’s the hook, best wishes with your project.
Hi Keithrafalko.
I have a pilot and bible for a series with a producer for a major broadcaster at the moment as well (unfortunately can’t yet divulge any details either). Can say from experience that the prime focus of a pilot is to setup a character and demonstrate the ongoing action they will take throughout a series, differing genre and formats notwithstanding.
To that matter a series logline needs to identify the major plot components that will enable this over an entire season, so it’s a really good thing that you’re working on the series loglin now. I strongly recommend re working the current one, as it doesn’t do the above.
On a side note I found it very helpful to derive a logline for each ep from the main series one and if I struggled doing that the main series logline was flawed.
Hope this helps.
Hi Keithrafalko.
I have a pilot and bible for a series with a producer for a major broadcaster at the moment as well (unfortunately can’t yet divulge any details either). Can say from experience that the prime focus of a pilot is to setup a character and demonstrate the ongoing action they will take throughout a series, differing genre and formats notwithstanding.
To that matter a series logline needs to identify the major plot components that will enable this over an entire season, so it’s a really good thing that you’re working on the series loglin now. I strongly recommend re working the current one, as it doesn’t do the above.
On a side note I found it very helpful to derive a logline for each ep from the main series one and if I struggled doing that the main series logline was flawed.
Hope this helps.