Penpusher
Posted: 2013-02-02T06:26:51+10:00 In:

Days before the asteroid impact, a state lottery winner of a ticket to the survivor space station N.O.H.A gets haunted by a corrupted government agent trying to steal a seat for his beloved sister

EXODUS

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    3 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Replace the word ‘haunted’, it’s kind of confusing at first read (makes me think of ghosts). The middle section could be made more compact so you can describe the plotline more. You can probably ditch the ‘for his beloved sister’ part as it’s extra detail and words that could be used for something else. If its critical plot information, we don’t know why from this logline. Also, ‘corrupted’ should probably just be ‘corrupt’.

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    2. Samurai

      I forgot to add- the concept is interesting, but the logline as written is all setup. It describes the first 10-20 pages, but you need to give us a taste of the rest!

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    3. Singularity

      How about this:

      “With only days before an asteroid is set to impact the earth, the winner of a golden ticket to the space station is pressured by a corrupt government agent to give over his life saving ticket.”

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