Penpusher
Posted: 2013-07-23T19:59:30+10:00 In:

Forced to stay at home following a heart attack, a high powered exec realizes he doesn’t know his teenage daughter when she announces she?s pregnant, prompting him to try and reconnect with her and stabilize the family.

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    9 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Have you thought of combining both versions? His heart attack + her pregnancy?

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    2. Ooh…challenge accepted

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    3. Neat premise. I think that specifying that the holiday is to recuperate is redundant given that you include that it’s a forced holiday and post heart attack. Here’s my suggestions for the opening:

      During a forced holiday following a heart attack, a high powered exec realizes he doesn’t know his teenage daughter…

      or

      Forced to stay home following a heart attack, a high powered exec realizes that he doesn’t know his teenage daughter…

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    4. Thanks Daveb

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    5. Samurai

      The heart attack and the pregnancy are two different inciting incidents; and it’s making the story unclear. I’d probably just mention that the ad exec is “recovering from a heart attack”, and get it out of the way early, and keep the pregnancy announcement as your inciting incident.

      So … what does your protagonist actually DO to reconnect? Does he just try to insert himself into the lives of his family? Does he institute a total lockdown? Does he get a part time job at the fast food store that his daughter works at? I want to understand what your protagonist will be doing through the majority of the movie, and I want to know that it offers the opportunity for interesting drama. At the moment, the film comes across as an American Beauty style offbeat dark dramedy … if that’s wrong, then you need to find a way to clarify through the language you use.

      Also, this premise feels like it needs a time limit. Reconnecting with the family is a bit too vague of a goal; this could take decades. I want to hear something along the lines of:

      “After learning his estranged daughter is pregnant and plans to elope with her boyfriend, a high-strung ad exec takes a job at the burger joint she manages in order to convince her to stay.”

      Finally, and this is just a story thought and not on the logline; my first thought went to “what if your protagonist, the father’s, first goal is to get to know his daughter enough to convince her to have an abortion.” It’s still quite a selfish thing to do … and then at your midpoint, when it gets revealed that this is his goal, his daughter is furious and they end up even more estranged than they were to begin with. So the second half becomes about getting to know her … simply because he cares, and making his peace with his daughter having a child of her own.

      I think you have work to do on this logline, but it’s got my mind churning, and that’s a good thing.

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    6. Penpusher

      Thanks for your reply.

      I’m trying to steer clear of the pro-life/pro-choice debate. It’s too difficult to sell plus it’s too heavy – this is a comedy with dramatic elements. The heart attack prompts him to realize he has a second chance at life – which aligns with his having a second chance with his daughter.

      He’s not going to go flip burgers as he’s a CEO. She doesn’t flip burgers either – they’re a wealthy family (nice idea though).

      To answer your question “what will he be doing?” – He’ll be f’ing up royally as he tries to fix everything without realizing he’s the one that needs to be fixed. He’s got 3 weeks off work – that’s the time clock; And he’s deluded enough to think he can fix everything in that time frame.

      Ultimately he starts out trying to fix the situation. Find out who the guy is who got her pregnant, set him straight, get her to go back to school and go from there – with no regard as to what she wants. Naturally this doesn’t work

      He then meets the next door neighbor – a stay at home dad who makes him realize he’s missed out on his daughters life. Using the neighbors advice he works on building a relationship with his daughter.

      He then starts trying too hard to make up for lost time, ultimately pushing her away again when he interferes between her and the guy who got her pregnant – making him realize you can’t just suddenly walk in and be a dad.

      He then realizes he’s the problem and he has to change his life if he ever wants a proper relationship.

      Thats the gist anyway

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    7. Penpusher

      I’ll take you advice on maybe not including both elements in the logline though

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    8. Penpusher

      How about:

      “Whilst on a forced vacation, a high powered exec realizes he doesn’t know his teenage daughter when she announces she’s pregnant, and sets about trying to reconnect with her before returning to work.”

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    9. Singularity

      wilsondownunder:

      The reason I suggested combining the two is because they are major turning points in the both their lives, come unexpectedly and at the most inconvenient time, create maximum complications and force each to deal with their character flaws (whatever they are) and their flawed (nill?) relationship.

      IOW: the ingredients for a good story.

      So I think the combo crisis is a good premise. However, I think the logline needs a little work. Need more time to think about.

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