Note sure what goes here
crytersPenpusher
His optical implant switched off for non-payment of a loan, a 22nd Century private investigator must re-animate his hated android to help him solve the case of a missing billionaire robotics savant, in the process uncovering a militant group of androids and a maniacal Senator hell-bent on controlling the world
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I’m delighted the “group” could help!
I think we have a winner, Sharkeatingman. I will use this from now on. Cheers.
Still 35 words, Cryters. I think that’s too many. The “loan” part seems irrelevant to me.
“Made blind when his optical implants are shut off, a futuristic PI must re-animate his hated android to help him find a missing robotic savant.” (25 words)
My thumbs up goes to Alfie, though Karel’s point is taken. This is the revised logline: “Made blind when his optical implants are switched off for not paying a loan, a 22nd century private investigator must re-animate his hated android to help him solve the case of a missing robotics savant.”
Cut in half; determine the essence of the story and concentrate on telling that.
“When a 22nd Century PI re-animates his hated android, he discovers a a militant group of androids controlled a maniacal Senator hell-bent on controlling the world.”
If it’s not like “I, Robot”, it sounds like a great concept. Good luck!
I disagree with the others. The first 3 lines are essential. The protagonist ‘blinded’ is the critical detail here, as is his relationship with his android. The rest is superfluous. I like the idea.
“His optical implant switched off for non-payment of a loan, a 22nd Century private investigator must re-animate his hated android to help him solve a case.”
The logline gives away too much of what could be exciting revelations, as well as taking the focus off what, I feel, will be the central dynamic of the story in the relationship between the detective and his android.
In addition, you may want to consider stating more concisely that the detective is blind; the feeling of the setting being the future is apparent in the fact that an android is critical to the story, and that the inciting action is the kidnapping of the billionaire robotics expert. However, there’s a tinge of comedy in the fact that the detective is left blind due to missing a loan payment. If intentional, try to enhance that; if not intentional and the story is more serious, then do away with it.
I agree with Karel. I don’t really understand what the opening line has to do with the rest of the story, it only serves to make the rest of the logline more confusing and detracts from the main story
Hi Joe,
I think you can simplify this … a lot.
Try working from just this:
“a 22nd Century private investigator must re-animate his hated android to help him solve the case of a missing billionaire robotics savant.”
The additional info doesn’t feel essential to the concept.