Leviathan: D. S. V.
Presario2200Logliner
When a government agent is sent to work on a new naval submarine, she discoveres that her ex-husband is out to kill her.
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If the inciting incident is her being sent to work on a submarine, how does this relate to her stopping the ex from killing her?
I am sure there is an explanation that comes through in the synopsis but the point is that the cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and the MC goal needs to be clear from the logline and it isn’t here.
Secondly is the under water setting vital to the plot? If the plot is her discovering that the ex is trying to kill her then fighting him to save her own life that could (and has in many stories) happen any where. Why does this story need to be set on board a submarine?
The story can be set in a navel environment and on board a submarine but unless vital to the plot you could drop it from the logline and save on word count.
What will make her journey interesting to the audience is her overcoming her flaw in order to achieve her goal of beating the ex, what is her flaw?
Hope this helps.
It may also be backwards in its wording. This logline suggests that he was trying to kill her first, and she discovers this fact because she goes to work on the submarine.
This attempt is getting closer, it’s bare bones, so now maybe add just a little here and there. Much better though.