Penpusher
Posted: 2015-08-20T16:16:10+10:00 In:

In a world run by machines, a timid young woman – holding a vital secret – must regain her ability to speak before everything she loves is destroyed.

The Face of Clarity

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    8 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      I think this has great potential. What kind of machines? Is it only machines in the story? or do humans still have control? What is the secret she holds?

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    2. Penpusher
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    3. Singularity

      “In a world run by machines”

      Does this mean, the world is fully automated, Cars, restaurants, manufacturing, everything is run by machine?

      Or does it mean, Machines are the masters and humans are the slaves…

      Also, this girl has a secret and needs to regain her voice. Why doesn’t she write down the secret and show somebody.

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    4. Singularity

      Agreed with the above comments there is too many vague descriptions for the logline to paint a clear picture.

      For example, why now? Why didn’t she need to save everything she loves a year ago? Is there a deadline by which she has to save everything by? What event started off the story and gave her a compelling motivation? Lastly every thing she loves is too vague, what specifically does she need to save? A loved one? Her family? Her pets? etc..

      Hope this helps.

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    5. Penpusher

      I appreciate your feedback! More detail, comin’ up.

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    6. Penpusher

      Thank you for your feedback! I’ll revise.

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    7. Singularity

      >>In a world run by machines

      As noted, I, too, fail to see how this has anything whatsoever to do with the rest of the story.

      >>>holding a vital secret

      Vague. A lot of movies are about a character with a vital secret. The logline should be specific.

      >>must regain her ability to speak before everything she loves is destroyed.

      The logline doesn’t give me a clue as to the nature of the cause and effect relationship between her loss of speech and losing everything she loves.

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    8. Penpusher

      I like the brevity of the logline. But I have a few questions. What does the setting “world run by machines” have to do with story? This is not clear.

      Also, I assume the woman getting the the secret is the inciting incident and Act II will focus on regaining her voice. Why is that so difficult? There is a little vagueness in this logline. It seems you know the story and you’re reluctant to let the reader know what it is.

      You seem to have all the elements, just not worded to make the story crystal clear.

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