Penpusher
Posted: 2013-06-06T03:14:52+10:00 In:

In order to avoid a lengthy prison sentence, a baobhan sith agrees to work with an anti-vampire organization whose sole mission is to protect citizens from things that go bump in the night.

Operation Nightfall

Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    16 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      JBalmer:
      I don’t know of any way to do private exchanges at this site.

      • 0

    2. hear, hear on the TV pilot.

      • 0
    3. Penpusher

      That makes sense. Thanks dpg. Do you have an email where I can contact you?

      • 0
    4. Singularity

      You already have a fascinating character + an intriguing situation, a strong two-fer. Go for a three-fer? Well, the three-fer you posted is a not only longer, but a little awkward. And if it’s a ‘secret’, my gut reaction is to save the reveal for the pitch.

      fwiw

      • 0
    5. Penpusher

      Hey guys I have a quick question. Do you include a major plot twist in the log line or something alluding to said twist? For example:

      To avoid ?death by daylight?, a notorious female vampire is forced to help the supernatural policing agency, that has been secretly experimenting on her, catch and arrest vampires of her ilk and infamy.

      Do I keep the experimenting portion or is it better if they find out from the story?

      • 0
    6. Penpusher

      Thanks Richiev!

      • 0
    7. Singularity

      Supernatural — I like!

      • 0
    8. Singularity

      I agree dpg. this Idea is a good one, it has the hook.

      • 0
    9. Singularity

      I believe saying supernatural policing agency gives your logline a little flavor. I could see this as a vampire La Femme’ Nikita. (In fact you could probably turn this into a TV pilot)
      —–
      To avoid ‘death by daylight’, a notorious female vampire is forced to assist a supernatural policing agency catch and arrest vampires of her ilk and infamy”

      • 0
    10. Penpusher

      Thanks guys. So I was thinking that assist seems more active than help. Catching and arresting also implies more action than capture. As far as referring to the anti-vampire program as a supernatural policing agency, do you feel as though that heightens things?

      To avoid a death by daylight? sentence, a notorious female vampire must assist a supernatural policing agency in catching and arresting vampires of her ilk and infamy.

      • 0
    11. Singularity

      Maybe:

      To avoid a “death by daylight” sentence, a notorious female vampire must help a law enforcement task force capture vampires of her ilk and infamy.

      Whatever, the reason I suggest amping up the character and mission is because I sense not only an entertaining movie — but a motherload movie; to wit, a franchise. So think big. As they say in baseball, swing for the bleachers with this one.

      • 0
    12. Singularity

      How about this:

      “To avoid ‘death by daylight’, the country’s most wanted killer, a female vampire, must work for a program to capture vampires of her ilk and infamy.”

      -OR-

      “To avoid ‘death by daylight’, a notorious female vampire must work for a program designed to capture vampires of her ilk and infamy.”

      • 0
    13. Singularity

      Take out ‘other’

      • 0
    14. Penpusher

      Great advice dpg. What do you think about this?

      To avoid a punishment of death by daylight, the country?s most wanted killer, a female vampire, must work for a government program established to capture other vampires of her ilk and infamy.

      • 0
    15. Singularity

      I would second what dpg says, good write up.

      • 0
    16. Singularity

      I am intrigued by the premise. But I had to google “baobhan sith”. (I’m better versed in classical mythology than pop mythology.) I don’t know how much of a stumbling block that would be to Hollyweird types reading the logline. You may want to tweak:e. “A baobhan sith, a female vampire, agrees…”

      And why not up the ante to a death sentence by exposure to sunlight rather than a lengthy prison sentence

      So:

      To avoid capital punishment (death by exposure to daylight) a baobhan sith, a female vampire, must work with an anti-vampire organization to protect citizens from things that go bump in the night.

      But then, I got to thinking: if you’re to up the ante of her punishment, that entails a commensurate upping the ante (risks and stakes) of her “probationary public service”. Something like she must cooperate in hunting down, incarcerating and killing if necessary rogue vampires who are a lethal criminals. Like she once was.

      So then I got:

      To avoid capital punishment (death by exposure to daylight) public enemy #1, a baobhan sith, a female vampire, must work for a government program to capture other vampires of her ilk and infamy.

      Ramdomly associating. But I suggest you pour on the barbecue sauce and turn up the heat.

      • 0