Coolie Bokor
In the claustrophobia of a haunted flat, an immature voodoo sorcerer makes a terrible choice when he calls upon his dark gods to seek revenge for a broken heart.
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This logline suggests a variant of the “Sorcerer’s apprentice” plot trope, but I’m not sure. The logline sets up a situation and an inciting incident — a 1st Act — but a logline ought to indicate what the protagonist must do after the inciting incident, that is, the plot (2nd Act) that follows as a consequence of the inciting incident.
So what becomes the sorcerer’s dramatic necessity — his objective goal — as a result of calling upon his “dark gods”? What predicament and what nemesis arises to not only thwart his intention but threaten his own life, his own soul? What’s at stake?
Hi. Thanks a lot for you comments. To be honest, I’m finding this really hard. Every time I write this, I keep hearing a deep voiced narrator in my head reading it out. Basically, the guy gets his heart broken, he casts a spell on his ex which brings evil into his house that he has to overcome, and the only way he can do that is by manning up and accepting that the breakup was his fault in the first place AND repent for her lashing out at the girl. he’ll lose his soul otherwise. But I can’t seem to sum that up.
Perhaps you should take out the first part about where the incident occurred, I don’t think its necessary to include that. That way you can add something that will actually contribute to the plot.
hope this helps 🙂
Hello, I don’t know if you are familiar with internal/external goals, but from your synospsis it seems to me that you focused too much on the internal goal (accepting the breakup and move on) and not enough about the external goal. Usually the external goal determines what we see in the movie so, expecially in a logline, you should focus on it. In other words, visually, what happens in the movie? Ghosts and monsters attack the hero, how does he react? I assume that the external goal is to stay alive, but precisely what actions he performs?
Hi. Thanks a lot for your comments.
How about this for a rewrite?
“A voodoo sorcerer, whose prone to dangerous tantrums, makes a terrible choice when he calls upon his dark gods to seek revenge for a broken heart. He has to survive his claustrophobic home of horror that he’s created to win back his soul and save the girl that he’s wronged.”
Do I change the logline for the page or just write it in this comment box?
That’s very long, and doesn’t provide a clear picture of the story. Also: not sure voodoo is the same as sorcery. But this has to be cleared up and cut down. I’m a big believer in stating four basics, and that’s all: protagonist, goal, antagonist, obstacle. All other details can be provided in longer summaries. So it might work more like this:
A heartbroken young man summons voodoo spirits to exact revenge on his ex-girlfriend, but must save himself when they turn against him.
Or:
A heartbroken young man must save his soul when the voodoo spirits he summoned to punish his ex-girlfriend turn against him instead.
Or you could do it this way, though I think it’s often stronger to identify the main character immediately: After summoning voodoo spirits to punish his ex-girlfriend, a heartbroken young man must save his soul when they come after him instead.
One thing you’ll really want to think about is how to get across the genre. Is it true horror/thriller, or more of a dark comedy? It could go either way, but you want to have the concept made clear by the words you choose.
I’m also a supporter of changing male main characters to female unless there’s a compelling reason not to, and this looks like a good opportunity to engage more of a female audience.
You are hiding the ball by describing your second act as a “terrible choice”. This vague description encompasses the main plot and your entire second act, one half of the story (one hour for a movie).
“Gee Bob, let’s go see a movie tonight. How about a cool movie where the sorcerer makes a terrible choice.”
Please give us more than a vague reference to your main conflict.
Loglines are a great tool to keep you focused on the big picture. What you described is a vague idea.
If you know what you are writing, state it.