The Express
On the eve of World War Two, aboard the Orient Express, a reporter uncovers a German plot to kidnap a national leader, and must discover how the victim has somehow been made to magically vanish from the speeding train. If he fails the Nazis triumph. If he succeeds all the passengers may die.
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It’s still a little bit clunky, as in, too long/ too many sentences.
‘…uncovers a German plot TO kidnap…’ — the ‘to’ here makes it sound like the kidnapping hasn’t actually taken place before the reporter has to discover how ‘the victim’ has been made to magically disappear… Also, even though I can assume ‘the victim’ is the kidnapped national leader, it’s a bit unclear.
What about:
‘When a kidnapped national leader mysteriously vanishes from aboard the Orient Express on the eve of World War Two, an up and coming reporter has only 48 hours to find body before the Nazi’s kill everyone on board’
Obviously I’m taking a bit of license with ‘up and coming’ reporter, but some kind of hero character description always helps beef up the context etc…
Hope this helps.
Interesting idea brenkilco.
I like what you did Tony, I condensed the first half of the logline a little.
When a national leader vanishes on the Orient Express on the eve of would war two, an enterprising reporter must…
——-
This is the point the logline gets tricky because in the original logline, I don’t know what: “If he fails the Nazis triumph. If he succeeds all the passengers may die.”
I think the problem is, we don’t know what national leader we are talking about, the leader of France? England? Russia? A national labor leader? If we knew who the leader was it would help us understand what the stakes were.
Sorry that wasn’t much help, good luck with this!
“After a reporter uncovers a deadly plot aboard the Orient Express, he must solve the disappearance of a kidnapped statesman on the eve of world war two.”
Thanks To Dollhouse. Nice and concise. Though I hate to lose the locked room mystery aspect of it, the fact that the victim disappears or appears to disappear from a moving train.
Richiev, the diplomat is a pure macguffin and his nationality doesn’t matter. All that matters is that everybody agrees he’s important.
Tony Edwards, you line reads well but actually deviates from the premise of the script, which is a bit involved. The diplomat, whom the Germans want dead, appears to have been killed. Only the reporter believes he is still alive. If he proves it, this will alert potential assassins. Tough to cram this into a nutshell.
Thanks for all the input. Will work on it.
Thanks, Tor Dollhouse. Nice and concise, though I hate to lose the locked room aspect of the thing, the fact that the diplomat disappears or seems to disappear from the moving train.
Richiev, the statesman is a pure macguffin and his nationality really doesn’ matter. All that matters is that everyone considers him important.
Tony Edwards, you line is solid but actually deviates from the premise of the script, which is a bit involved. Everyone believe the statesman is dead. Only the reporter believes he is alive and if he proves it he will inadvertently alert a Nazi assassin. Tough to cram into a nutshell.
Thanks for all the input. Will keep at it.