Penpusher
Posted: 2013-08-24T11:04:09+10:00 In:

After selling their souls to a devil the name of Black, tall-tale legends Pecos Bill and Slue-foot Sue must elude a hell bound fate as well as every cowboy trying to sell ?em out to that varmint.

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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The logline doesn’t have an inciting incident; that is, the triggering event that explains why the devil is in hot, hot pursuit.

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    2. Penpusher

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pecos_Bill they are Tall tale legends from Texas, nearly as famous as Paul Bunyan but I get your point about the emotional investment.

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    3. Samurai

      I’ve never heard of these characters. The name recognition has not worked, and you’ve wasted words that could have been used to entice me to become emotionally invested in your story of flawed characters.

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    4. Penpusher

      I wouldn’t name the characters if they weren’t tall-tale stars. I’m thinking great name recognition here! 🙂 Hopefully, they would do better than the Lone Ranger!

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    5. Samurai

      What has put their souls in danger? What does evading the devil look like?

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    6. Penpusher

      Hi,

      Why do they risk losing their souls?

      Maybe you could be a hit more generic in your wording also. The men’s names detracts the reader away from the story, which is also a bit unclear.

      Try to define your story – two men must to (what) when (who) comes after them.

      Good luck

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