COUNTER ATTACK
(political action adventure) about Veronica McCabe a college professor who wants to shut down the Plum Island Animal Disease Center. The federal government is bringing live animals with diseases through the community. Her son Alex (9) contracts a rare disease and now she has to find the cure.
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Something I see a lot with loglines, You present two ideas but as written it is hard to decipher how those ideas relate.
1) Lead wants to shut down the plum island animal disease center
2) Lead wants to find a cure for the disease her son has contracted.
So you have presented two goals, but other than both involve diseases, how do they relate?
Once I know how those two goals relate it will clarify the story greatly
Hope that helps, good luck with this!
There you go Richie!
I’d have to 2nd Richiev’s sentiment — You should only worry about including the protagonists MAIN goal in the logline, feels fuzzy otherwise… This should also help to reduce the logine to just the one sentence; at three sentences it’s getting into synopsis territory.
Good luck;)
Seconding Tony: from what I’ve read the logline MUST be one sentence – but it’s always best to write something that’s too long first and THEN cut it down into a shorter length. I also don’t think you should supposed to include the genre in parentheses at the start – ideally we should be able to tell the genre from the logline alone WITHOUT having it explicitly stated. Similarly with the exact age of the character – maybe try: ‘Her young son, Alex, contracts are rare disease and now she has to find a cure.’ or ‘Alex, her young son, contracts a rare disease and now she has to find a cure.’ From that alone I would guess he’s 9ish.
One guess: ‘College professor Veronica McCabe must shut down a federal Disease Center and their nefarious animal testing in order to find the cure to save her young son.’
Nice rewrite SReyes —
The issue that Richiev raised is still valid though — how does shutting down the disease center contribute to finding a cure for her son? If her son already has said disease shutting down the disease center seems a tad too late… Maybe if her goal in shutting down the disease center was to prevent other children in the town contracting the disease it would worth…? Although — if that was the case there is an issue with originality because I feel I’ve seen that before…
worth=work