Evil Intentions
Alan SmitheePenpusher
RE WRITE Prisoners escaping a galactic penal colonel make an emergency landing only to find themselves trapped,having to outwit a psychopathic,shape shifting android intent on re-enacting the twisted deaths from old horror movies.
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The only specified “character” is the antagonist — an interesting character — but not one to root for. Although the android is going after escaped criminals — maybe they’re getting their just desserts? Anyway, why should the audience care whether they live or die?
And speaking of the comparison to the Terminator franchise, the Terminator, for better or worse, was on a mission, had a specific objective goal in relationship to the protagonist: in the 1st movie, to kill Sarah Connor; in the 2nd movie to save Sara Connor and her son. What is the android’s specific objective goal in relationship to the protagonist?
“a psychopathic,shape shifting android intent on re-enacting the twisted deaths from old horror movies” screams ‘seen it all before’ to me (Terminator 2 anyone?), unless you’re bringing something new to the table and it’s not just a pastiche of what’s gone before. If you are bringing something new then you should try to use it as a hook in your logline.
You must distil your idea down to a single character (as Richiev mentioned above) with a flaw who desperately needs to achieve a specific goal, and then that should become your logline. Being specific in this way gives the reader a crystal clear understanding of your story and its marketability.
Best of luck.
You don’t have a lead character in the logline. “Prisoners” isn’t compelling. “An excaped prisoner who needs to get to his dying wife’s bedside” however would be someone to root for. (Just and example)
What’s the inciting incident, the escape or the emergency landing?
And what’s the point, the story theme that requires a sadistic android? Irony? The escapees get “street justice” for the crimes they have committed? Or…?