I Don’t Belong Here
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
Responsible for the death of his son, a father tries to explain his actions leading up to the tragedy before taking his own life.
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I’m not thrilled with the line, “…a father tries to explain his actions leading up to the tragedy”
In the words of Yoda, “do or do not, there is no try.”
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“Responsible for the death of his son, a father recounts his actions leading to the tragedy before taking his own life.”
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Since the logline is short enough, I would consider adding who he’s recounting the events too and for what purpose. (Unless that spoils the ending)
Hope that helps. Good luck!
I’m not thrilled with the line, “…a father tries to explain his actions leading up to the tragedy”
In the words of Yoda, “do or do not, there is no try.”
—–
“Responsible for the death of his son, a father recounts his actions leading to the tragedy before taking his own life.”
—–
Since the logline is short enough, I would consider adding who he’s recounting the events too and for what purpose. (Unless that spoils the ending)
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Explaining his actions is not as interesting as seeing his actions. What is it he must do? Beg for forgiveness, make amends, etc… if so from who?
The story is not clear because the character is not in motion to achieve a goal.
Secondly what is his obstacle? He can explain his actions any time to any one with out any thing stopping him. What is the source of his struggle to achieve the goal? What will make his story interesting is a clear obstacle standing in his way.
Hope this helps.
Explaining his actions is not as interesting as seeing his actions. What is it he must do? Beg for forgiveness, make amends, etc… if so from who?
The story is not clear because the character is not in motion to achieve a goal.
Secondly what is his obstacle? He can explain his actions any time to any one with out any thing stopping him. What is the source of his struggle to achieve the goal? What will make his story interesting is a clear obstacle standing in his way.
Hope this helps.
Explain to who? And wouldn’t they be “antagonists” in the sense of trying to oppose his objective goal, talk him out of suicide?
Is this a short? Or a full length feature?
Explain to who? And wouldn’t they be “antagonists” in the sense of trying to oppose his objective goal, talk him out of suicide?
Is this a short? Or a full length feature?
RichieV – I’m not too thrilled with it either, I just wanted to get it all “out there”.
He’s recounting his story to the ghost of his dead son, although the audience is meant to work this out somewhere along the way, the purpose of the father telling the story is to talk himself into suicide.
I can’t 100% explain it because I haven’t quite got it in my head what I’m trying to do – I can “see” it, but I’m not sure if I can write it.
RichieV – I’m not too thrilled with it either, I just wanted to get it all “out there”.
He’s recounting his story to the ghost of his dead son, although the audience is meant to work this out somewhere along the way, the purpose of the father telling the story is to talk himself into suicide.
I can’t 100% explain it because I haven’t quite got it in my head what I’m trying to do – I can “see” it, but I’m not sure if I can write it.
It’s only meant to be a short piece, which is why I’m trying to imply that it’s about the dialogue and not the actions themselves – a soliloquy of sorts, but with something different – not a “twist”.
I guess his obstacle is himself / his own doubt, which will be revealed in the conversation.
I’m hoping a lack of a clear obstacle, apart from taking place on top of a building, will force an audience to pay attention to the dialogue.
It’s only meant to be a short piece, which is why I’m trying to imply that it’s about the dialogue and not the actions themselves – a soliloquy of sorts, but with something different – not a “twist”.
I guess his obstacle is himself / his own doubt, which will be revealed in the conversation.
I’m hoping a lack of a clear obstacle, apart from taking place on top of a building, will force an audience to pay attention to the dialogue.
Father explaining to his dead son / son’s ghost (not obvious as such until the end).
In a way, I’m hoping people will see that it’s really the father who is his own obstacle, his indecisiveness, doubt, etc.
I’m trying to make this a short, I’m just not sure how short, as I’m still looking to work out exactly what the story is. I have bare bones, but more a map than anything solid.
Father explaining to his dead son / son’s ghost (not obvious as such until the end).
In a way, I’m hoping people will see that it’s really the father who is his own obstacle, his indecisiveness, doubt, etc.
I’m trying to make this a short, I’m just not sure how short, as I’m still looking to work out exactly what the story is. I have bare bones, but more a map than anything solid.
Suggestion: why not have him explaining himself on a suicide hotline call?
This gives you a dialogue rather than a monologue and an “antagonist”, a hotline volunteer whose goal opposes his. Further, hotline personnel are trained to explore and reflect — not discount, not critique — their feelings, their emotional pain.
Suggestion: why not have him explaining himself on a suicide hotline call?
This gives you a dialogue rather than a monologue and an “antagonist”, a hotline volunteer whose goal opposes his. Further, hotline personnel are trained to explore and reflect — not discount, not critique — their feelings, their emotional pain.
For the same reason I don’t have him flying a helicopter to Mars.
The way I see it at the moment, both the dead son and the father are expressing separate thoughts, but they tie together so it looks like they’re conversing with each other, specifically by the exchange at the end, one line of which is the title of the piece.
If you’ve seen the first episode of the television series, Spaced, it’s kind of like the opening conversations between four of the characters at the beginning of that… kind of.
For the same reason I don’t have him flying a helicopter to Mars.
The way I see it at the moment, both the dead son and the father are expressing separate thoughts, but they tie together so it looks like they’re conversing with each other, specifically by the exchange at the end, one line of which is the title of the piece.
If you’ve seen the first episode of the television series, Spaced, it’s kind of like the opening conversations between four of the characters at the beginning of that… kind of.