Oh, for the Love of Mike
Rudderless since returning from the Gulf, a sardonic veteran's hapless life gets a bump when he befriends a youth in need of a mentor, but in order to save his budding relationship with his young protege's mom he must shed his old skin and become the man everyone, including himself, needs him to be.
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This is my logline for a script I just finished. I submitted this logline with the script for this years Nichols Fellowship contest. It’s a very funny comedy with a bit of rom com mixed in.
Best to simplify the read of a logline than load it with too much descriptions and simile.
By half way of the logline I found it hard to connect all the character descriptions, plot points and motivations. I suggest breaking this down to its bare components: main character, inciting incident, goal, motivation and obstacle. Then add in only the vital descriptions needed to understand why the character does what he does.
After a veteran befriends a troubled young boy he must [do something meaningful] in order to [achieve a significant goal].
Hope this helps.
Hello, the movie can be interesting,
for the logline I reiterate the comment above: it would be better to avoid backstory (the Gulf), make it shorter and clearer, focus on the main goal, and give a better descritption of the plot. What is the inciting event?
I strongly suggest to try to include some fun in the logline, because in reading it I thought of it as a very serious movie like Gran Torino. Where’s the irony? What generates the fun in your comedy?
I don’t know if any of this is true to your story but i suggest something like :
“When his new friendship with a young fragile boy is jeopardized, a sardonic tough veteran must shed his old skin to truly become his mentor.”
or
“When a sardonic tough veteran befriends a young fragile boy, he must shed his old skin if he wants to truly become his mentor.”
Good luck with the contest
Though this sounds like a great story, the logline is a bit to convoluted for me to really get a good image of the movie in my mind. I agree with the other comments, simplify as much as possible while telling us who the protagonist is, what their goal is and what the obstacle is.
In a comedy with kids, the lead is usually forced together with the kid, leading to the lead characters discomfort and comedy.
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“When he crashes into a single mom’s car, a sardonic veteran reluctantly agrees to mentor her incorrigible son in return for her not notifying his insurance.”
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