Posted: 2013-11-06T09:40:50+10:00 In:

"Set in a futuristic world where humans are controlled by their fascist government, a career criminal gets drawn into a deadly plot when he rescues a upper class woman from the secret police and has to depend on her to survive."

I defy

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    9 Reviews

    1. It sounds more like the woman is your real protagonist. She does more…

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    2. Singularity

      The logline keeps morphing such that I’m not sure what the kernel of the idea really is. Whatever, I suggest raising the stakes for the man: it’s not a matter of just locating his daughter, it’s also matter of also saving her life before…?

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    3. dpg: thx for the notes.

      In a Fascist future, a career criminal gets contacted by a swanky woman who needs his skillset to take over power of the government, and offers him the location of his lost daughter if he helps her.

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    4. Singularity

      What’s her motive for wanting to take down a system in which she seems to be doing quite well? She’s a member of the upper class; what’s her skin in the game?

      Who’s the protagonist: the criminal or the woman?

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    5. what I?m trying to get to in my logline is that i want this man to become one with the system he hates to take it down, but he is an criminal so he needs a good reason to do so.

      changed some more:

      “In a Fascist future, a career criminal on the run, gets caught by the secret police and is rescued by an upper class woman who offers him a clean slate if he works for her to topple the system from the inside.”

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    6. Singularity

      How would he come into contact with the woman if he’s in solitary?

      And how can he become “one of them” — a cop, I presume — while he’s in prison? And they’ve got his fingerprints, an eye ball scan and whatever futuristic scanning technology there is to properly ID him for the career criminal he is?

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    7. Thx for the comments guys!

      Made some changes to the logline:

      “In a Fascist future, a career criminal on the run, gets caught by secret police and learns from an upper class woman in prison solitary that the only way to escape is to become on of them or die.”

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    8. Singularity

      The lead character (“Has to depend on her to survive”) isn’t very proactive in this logline. I would try a re-write.

      What does the lead character want. Revolution, escape, to to work from within to topple the system. kjk11 is right. What’s the lead’s goal? Then add it to the logline.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    9. Goes without saying that a fascist government is in control. “a upper” should be an upper. Need some detail on deadly plot and ultimate goal.

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