Midnight Train
kbfilmworksSamurai
Set in a gangland drinking den over a single night, a bounty hunter who sees flash visions of the future holds patrons hostage in order to trap an escaped prisoner but soon discovers the imminent arrival of a totally different kind of fugitive: a killer able to freeze time and project illusions.
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The setting is never important in a logline, so you can lose that completely.
You also need to lose some of the more flighty language to make the logline shorter.
I get that you want to give a sense of urgency to it, but 52 words is much too long.
Perhaps…
“When a psychic bounty hunter holds a bar hostage, he must stop a killer able to stop time and create illusions, to trap an escaped prisoner.”
There’s 26 words and I think I’ve captured all you’re trying to get across.
Hope this helps.
The setting is never important in a logline, so you can lose that completely.
You also need to lose some of the more flighty language to make the logline shorter.
I get that you want to give a sense of urgency to it, but 52 words is much too long.
Perhaps…
“When a psychic bounty hunter holds a bar hostage, he must stop a killer able to stop time and create illusions, to trap an escaped prisoner.”
There’s 26 words and I think I’ve captured all you’re trying to get across.
Hope this helps.
Hi LP, thanks for the comment.
As an aside, here’s a link to a list of loglines of films by first-timers that have been sold to Hollywood studios.http://gointothestory.blcklst.com/2013/01/spec-script-sales-analysis-2012-first-timers.html
Hi LP, thanks for the comment.
As an aside, here’s a link to a list of loglines of films by first-timers that have been sold to Hollywood studios.http://gointothestory.blcklst.com/2013/01/spec-script-sales-analysis-2012-first-timers.html
I have seen you working on this I know how hard it can be. One question keeps haunting me. Why would he care about the hostages enough to turn up and risk getting court? If that doesn’t matter to the overall story, drop it. You may be starting your story to soon. Perhaps all that is back story and can be left out. I had a 15 page sequence in a first act, which became 3 page and was finally cut and just referred to by a character.
Waiting in a bar a physic bounty hunter gets a vision of the arrival of a supernatural killer that can freeze time and project illusions.
I have seen you working on this I know how hard it can be. One question keeps haunting me. Why would he care about the hostages enough to turn up and risk getting court? If that doesn’t matter to the overall story, drop it. You may be starting your story to soon. Perhaps all that is back story and can be left out. I had a 15 page sequence in a first act, which became 3 page and was finally cut and just referred to by a character.
Waiting in a bar a physic bounty hunter gets a vision of the arrival of a supernatural killer that can freeze time and project illusions.
Thanks CraigD, I’ve been working on a new version that deals with your question. Also, I’ve been researching loglines used by the studios to describe multiple genre projects and they do tend to be quite long, from 64 words up to 140 words – maybe even more, I’ll keep looking. In my view, these lengthy loglines could better be described as Plot Summaries, so I think I may adopt this description when pitching an extra long logline in the future.
Also, contrary to popular wisdom, the studios often describe locations in their loglines. Personally, I feel describing location is essential for a single location screenplay. Many producers are after these kinds of scripts and it helps to let them know this upfront either in the actual logline or elsewhere.
If any of this is hard to swallow there’s a link to a website offering official loglines of scripts bought by the studios over the last 7 years from first-time writers. The link can be found in my previous comment to Lucius Paisley’s logline.
At the end of the day, a logline is a selling tool and as they say, “sell the sizzle, not the steak”.
So, with all this in mind, here’s my current version:
“Set in a gangland bar over a single night, the protagonist, a bounty hunter called Kalyan saves a seemingly innocent man from being murdered by an undercover cop who believes him to be a dangerous fugitive from the future. As it turns out, the man is awaiting the arrival ? from the future – of his ten-years-older self. Kalyan and the cop team up to protect him and save the world from his time-traveling older-self: a killer able to project mind-bending illusions, on a mission to create a global crime syndicate”.
Thanks CraigD, I’ve been working on a new version that deals with your question. Also, I’ve been researching loglines used by the studios to describe multiple genre projects and they do tend to be quite long, from 64 words up to 140 words – maybe even more, I’ll keep looking. In my view, these lengthy loglines could better be described as Plot Summaries, so I think I may adopt this description when pitching an extra long logline in the future.
Also, contrary to popular wisdom, the studios often describe locations in their loglines. Personally, I feel describing location is essential for a single location screenplay. Many producers are after these kinds of scripts and it helps to let them know this upfront either in the actual logline or elsewhere.
If any of this is hard to swallow there’s a link to a website offering official loglines of scripts bought by the studios over the last 7 years from first-time writers. The link can be found in my previous comment to Lucius Paisley’s logline.
At the end of the day, a logline is a selling tool and as they say, “sell the sizzle, not the steak”.
So, with all this in mind, here’s my current version:
“Set in a gangland bar over a single night, the protagonist, a bounty hunter called Kalyan saves a seemingly innocent man from being murdered by an undercover cop who believes him to be a dangerous fugitive from the future. As it turns out, the man is awaiting the arrival ? from the future – of his ten-years-older self. Kalyan and the cop team up to protect him and save the world from his time-traveling older-self: a killer able to project mind-bending illusions, on a mission to create a global crime syndicate”.
I am a fan of longer loglines myself. I don’t believe all film executives are A.D.D from the snapchat generation. I wish you good luck with the script. I checked out some of the loglines from your link previous. Wow, some are good and some are pretty shabby. Shows that a great story wins over everything else.
Apparently the first draft of “Nightcrawler” was nearly unreadable. I look at a logline as a stone to sharpen my story on. Plus sometimes you realise that the focus needs to change, the thing you love isn’t really the story, it is just something you love.
I am a fan of longer loglines myself. I don’t believe all film executives are A.D.D from the snapchat generation. I wish you good luck with the script. I checked out some of the loglines from your link previous. Wow, some are good and some are pretty shabby. Shows that a great story wins over everything else.
Apparently the first draft of “Nightcrawler” was nearly unreadable. I look at a logline as a stone to sharpen my story on. Plus sometimes you realise that the focus needs to change, the thing you love isn’t really the story, it is just something you love.