Logliner
Posted: 2015-05-11T09:21:26+10:00 In:

Set in contemporary Japan, an American expatriate finds employment as a bartender at a residential hotel only to discover that it doubles as the base of operations for a major Yakuza syndicate.

After Dark

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    7 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      see what I’m not getting is that I thought this was perfect..

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    2. Singularity

      >>only to discover that it doubles as the base of operations for a major Yakuza syndicate.

      And then what? The discovery is an inciting incident. What does he do about what he discovers? In what way does it change his life going forward. For a television show of this genre the logline not only needs to establish the situation but suggest where the story line for the main character is going to go.

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    3. Uberwriter

      Something are assumed, it is assumed contemporary unless stated different. Is it important to state residential bar? What does he want? What threatens him? What is stopping him? Why would he care? It is all in your story. Just not in your line.

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    4. Logliner

      Thanks for the feedback. Just updated now, tell me what you think.

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    5. Singularity

      A TV logline can be a little longer than a movie logline, however the lead character still must have a goal.

      Also I am not seeing any personal stakes. How does the lead become personally involve with the Yakuza or is he just a causal observer of events?

      Does he fall in love with a coworker only to discover she is the daughter of the Yakusa boss?
      Does her perform the Heimlich, saving the life of a Yakuza member, only to be sucked into their world?
      Is he forced by the Japanese police to spy on them… or be deported?

      What are the stakes, how is it personal and what is the lead characters goal?

      If the stakes are high and the situation is personal, the logline will be much more compelling.

      because right now, there is just a guy, he works at a hotel, there are some Yakuza… and nothing to connect any of that.

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    6. Logliner

      Would it help if I mentioned that this is a log line intended for a television series?

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    7. Singularity

      In stories, lead characters are proactive, you have described a situation but a logline tells a brief summary of the story which means you need and inciting incident, a lead character a goal and something in the way.

      =====
      “When he discovers the hotel he works at doubles as a base for the Yakuza, an American ex-patriot must… (Then tell us what he must do)”
      =====

      Also you haven’t really given us any intimidate danger to the lead character, so the hotel is a base for the yakuza, why would they care about a bartender?

      Did he see something he wasn’t supposed too, if that’s the case, that would be the inciting incident.

      hope that helps, good luck with this!

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