F**k Like Rabbits
Struggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
What a great premise! Am looking forward to reading THAT story!
Here are my thoughts. “Relate to others” is a little cliched and doesn’t have much power behind it. The “others”, I assume, are human beings? I also think starting with the subordinate clause in this case weakens the statement, so:
“A pet psychiatrist, struggling with his human relationships,…”
“spins out of control” is also cliched and vague. Can you show us that he’s “spinning out of control” with a few words that are more descriptive?
Excellent points – I never did feel “comfy” with mine, so in a sense it was bland with the generalized phrases. But I did have trouble with the number of commas when the subordinate was moved. What are your thoughts on the below?
“Struggling with his personal relationships, a pet psychiatrist risks love, career, and sanity thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.”
And thank you for the kind compliment – I’ve completed Act 1 and have a four page treatment completed (albeit, a rough draft), so Act 2 is underway. Just need to take my notes on outrageous dialogue and weave them into the storyline. 🙂
Great, much tighter and quite punchy. The commas are all correct and don’t bother me at all.
The only thing that now jumps out at me is the “thanks to” — feels like a logical flaw. He “risks” everything ‘thanks to”… I’m sure there’s another way of making that connection between the two halves. Otherwise, I think it’s terrific.
Let me clarify that last one: it would make sense if he risked everything because his is e.g. “obsessed with” those things, or “tormented by” those things, something along those lines. I don’t know WHY he is risking all these things, but ‘thanks to” doesn’t really tie the two halves together logically. I guess I am simply restating things.
Excellent points … this has helped me feel better about my logline and shaped it into a polished product. How’s this?
Struggling with his personal relationships, a pet psychiatrist risks love, career, and sanity when tormented by his estranged wife, wooed by a high school crush, and stalked by an obsessed cat owner.”
Terrific — you still have the subordinate clause to start, but, in this case it works as it puts the character closer to the things he is risking. It works!
You start with, ‘Struggling with his personal relationships, then you repeat that with, a pet psychiatrist risks love. Then you repeat it, when tormented by his estranged wife. And yet again with wooed by a high school crush.
You appear to be explaining the first five words.
Does the story have more going for it than his ex, an old crush and a stalker.
You might consider having the stalker cause all his problems.
Hey MC! Thank you for the feedback! The story does have more going for it, which covers the “risk career” element (this includes the impact from his estranged wife and her new beau). The stalker interferes with his attempts with his H.S. crush, but mostly in a comedic sense. His “sanity” is at risk because he’s experiencing three varying levels of anxiety: “tormented”, “wooed”, and “stalked”.
Given my response above (hopefully it helped clarify some), can you suggest a revised logline that you believe better frames the story?
Revised Logline: Struggling with his personal relationships, a pet psychiatrist risks love, career, and sanity when tormented by his estranged wife, wooed by a high school crush, and stalked by an obsessed cat owner.?
THANK YOU!!
Just realized I should’ve clicked on the “Reply” link instead of posting a new comment. haha So here’s my response:
*******************************************
Hey MC! Thank you for the feedback! The story does have more going for it, which covers the “risk career” element (this includes the impact from his estranged wife and her new beau). The stalker interferes with his attempts with his H.S. crush, but mostly in a comedic sense. His “sanity” is at risk because he’s experiencing three varying levels of anxiety: “tormented”, “wooed”, and “stalked”.
Given my response above (hopefully it helped clarify some), can you suggest a revised logline that you believe better frames the story?
Revised Logline: Struggling with his personal relationships, a pet psychiatrist risks love, career, and sanity when tormented by his estranged wife, wooed by a high school crush, and stalked by an obsessed cat owner.?
THANK YOU!!
Enjoyed your logline–the story possibilities unfold in my imagination even with this brief description. The only piece that is unclear is if the motivation for this story is internal or external to the main character. Does his struggle with personal relationships leave him vulnerable to being tormented, wooed and stalked or is this a normal, everyday pet psychiatrist who is being tormented, wooed and stalked by these women through no fault of his own and must defeat them to save his love life, career and sanity?
Correct – his inability to relate to people has brought this spectrum of conflict into his life. And being a pet psychiatrist infers that he’s comfortable with animals … and just really bad at dealing with people. 🙂
Correct ? his inability to relate to people has brought this spectrum of conflict into his life. And being a pet psychiatrist infers that he?s comfortable with animals ? and just really bad at dealing with people.
Which kind of takes us back to my original suggestion: “A pet psychiatrist, struggling with his human relationships,??
LOL – ok … how about this?
An acclaimed pet psychiatrist, notorious for poor interpersonal skills, risks his career, love, and sanity at the hands of his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.?
I think I need to decide on a final version of the logline and then repost to his site! LOL 🙂
Hey Jim
I like the premise, but the new logline doesn’t sell to me.
he risks his career, love and sanity…doing what exactly? to save his marriage? to get the high school crush? to remove the obsessed cat owner? What is his goal?
He has poor interpersonal skills, but it’s his wife that is being estranged? One can’t talk or relate, the other refuses to talk, alienation? Not sure if that would work…
My spin…
“When a timid pet psychiatrist tries to repair his marriage, his love life, career and sanity are in shambles when visited by an high school crush and an obsessed cat owner.”
something like that but better.
Fill out the points and it might help your logline become more clear.
Protag- Pet psychiatrist
Antag- obsessed cat owner?
Goal- ?
Inner Conflict- feelings for high school crush?
Outer Conflict- save marriage?
Hook- ?
Genre- ?
Hope I’ve explained everything clearly and without confusion
Best of luck.
Typo on the above post. The goal should be “save marriage” not Outer conflict, my bad.
Hey Andrew! Thanks for the comment … let me try to explain my thought process and hopefully you can address those areas that are off target.
(1) I feel like I can’t reveal too much in the logline, otherwise, it will feel on the nose and leave nothing to the imagination.
(2) The three “risks” are tied to each character, respectively. That is, estranged wife (career), high school crush (love), and obsessed cat owner (sanity).
Here’s my brief synopsis to help shed some light on the plot points: a pet psychiatrist (Luke) loses his wife (Talia) to his best/richest client (Jon). Jon continues to be his client and offers to pay off Luke with a large sum of money IF and ONLY IF Luke does not contest the divorce, which is happening in two weeks. The money will definitely help Luke’s practice, but feels conflicted – can he be bought out (love)? And if he doesn’t go through with the divorce, not only will he lose the money, but the client has vowed to destroy his practice (career). Meanwhile, Luke runs into his high school crush (Laura), which adds more conflict to the love storyline. And then there’s the obsessed cat owner (Suzie) – a young, hot little thing! She throws a wrench in the works as Luke navigates through the waters to keep his career/practice afloat AND decide on the best path to true love (sanity).
I hope this helps give you enough background. Knowing these high level components, do you think my revised logline mirrors the intentions? Or is there a better way to shape the logline?
Thank you again for your help!
I printed out your three chapters, so I’ll read them today. Thanks for sharing!!
Sorry – my previous comment was intended for jcotton. I hit reply to one of his postings, but for some reason my response was posted as a new comment.
I got it… thanks, Jim — actually I just posted a fourth last night.
Hi Jim
An acclaimed pet psychiatrist, notorious for poor interpersonal skills, risks his career, love, and sanity at the hands of his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.?
Knowing the background now, it does show the intentions, but if its not powerful and easy to interpret as a logline, would they even look at the synopsis?
I like your logline, but it doesn’t jump out at me…here are a few factors
*What is his goal? To save his marriage? To save his practice?
*Who is the antagonist or obstacles (Jon being a major conflict to your story isn’t even mentioned in the logline) Steals his wife, threatens his practice…nasty written all over him. put him in your logline.
*Where is the i.i? Is it his wife giving him the divorce papers? Discovering his best friend sleeping with his wife? or the high school crush kissing him? the obsessed cat owner threatening to sue?. (Inciting incidents are optional, but they do give us a clear indication of what has happened and that change is coming)
The risks are great, the high school crush will be the catalyst/love interest (I assume) to self discovery, the obsessed cat owner is perfect, in a funny twist she could also be a guide in disguise. totally up to you.
My spin…
“When a dubious pet psychiatrist loses his wife to his rich best friend, a high school crush and a obsessed cat owner aid him in saving his practice and discover self worth.”
I hope I’ve helped
Andrew
Hey Andrew!
Sorry for the delay in my response. By the way, love the zombie avatar! “Walking Dead” returns Oct 14th … can’t wait!
After further consideration (and relating back to my four page treatment I recently completed), I’m moving away from the “poor relationship skills” theme and moving more in the way of it being driven more by money issues.
I like your logline – it resonates more with the direction I’m going in. How about this slight revision to your suggestion:
“When a dubious pet psychiatrist loses his wife to his richest client, can a high school crush and obsessed cat owner rescue his practice and self-worth?”
Hey Jim
can’t wait for W.D!
Regarding your revised logline, the ending to me looks like its all on the “high school crush and the obsessed cat owner to rescue the hero’s practice and self worth”,
The hero is the one that needs to save his practice and discover self worth, relying on his friends to do that is kinda missing the point of the hero’s journey, he would’ve learnt nothing.
hope that didn’t come across harsh.
I like the threefold Truby-esque opponents – however it feels like too much for the logline…I would ask:
1. What is the central conflict ?
2. Who causes the moral / psychological revelation ?
3. What forces him to change ?
Hi Jim, I really enjoyed your premise. I think this could be a quirky movie that I would enjoy.
However, it wasn’t clear who is having the highschool crush – your protagonist? Or another pet owner, a young client?
Thank you FilmStar and Anne for the feedback. The logline has been balled up and molded again like Play-Doh … please let me know what you think of the following revision:
“When a dubious pet psychiatrist loses his wife to his richest client, his high school crush helps him decide: steal his wife back before the fast-tracked divorce or keep his client’s bribe to save his floundering practice?”
I’ve reserved a spot for this on my personal list of favorite films!