ELEMENT
KimPenpusher
Super star Organized Crime Prosecutor Alan Bell is exposed to toxic chemicals and forced to live near death, in a bubble for eight agonizing years. Upon emerging from his self imposed prison, Alan has acquired a ?sixth sense?, which he uses to take down over two hundred corporate polluters, finally avenging his exposure to lethal elements that had placed him on deaths doorstep.
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A crusading prosecutor exposed to toxic waste gains the power of telepathy, and uses it to take down the mafia bosses who tried to kill him.
I read it as his needing to live in some sort of medical isolation chamber after being exposed to the chemicals. If that’s the case, maybe a good idea to make that clearer.
“After being doused by toxic waste by a slimy mob boss, a superstar prosecutor, who originally was out to expose the illegal dumping, now seeks revenge.”
>>>Super star Organized Crime Prosecutor Alan Bell is exposed to toxic chemicals and forced to live near death, in a bubble for eight agonizing years. Upon emerging from his self imposed prison, Alan has acquired a sixth sense?
These 38 words out of a total of 63 — 60% of the logline —constitutes the back story and setup for the whatever the plot is supposed to be. Way too many words for the logline as a whole and especially for the setup.
Although I sympathize with the writer who is attempting to boot up a new super hero (and a franchise?) and that is always tricky in defining what the defining super power is and how it was acquired. But the back story setting up his super power is confusing. First the logline says he’s forced to live imprisoned in a toxic environment and then it says it’s self-imposed. Well, which is it? Voluntary or involuntary?
And what is the nature of his toxically induced “6th sense”? What is so special about it that enables him to take on the polluters who misdeeds (ironically) gave him the gift of this 6th sense? What makes his super power/6th sense so unique? What is differentiates him from the crowd of super heroes?
Agreed with most of what Lee wrote too wordy and un specific for the logline to work. I would add the premise lacks believability and clarity.
How does a man logically find himself trapped in a bubble for eight years? How does he eat, drink survive?
If this is a super hero story (and it is as he gains a superior power) then what is interesting is how he uses it to do good not how he gains the power.
I think best to change the focus of the logline to the plot that comes about from him putting his newly found power to the test and how he achieves a good thing for the community. Best to define what this good thing is, what specifically is his goal? How does he avenge himself? How will this stop the bad guys from doing the same to others?
Use the answers to these questions to re draft the logline.
Hope this helps.
I like your story, but I think ‘sixth sense’ makes your logline a bit vague. Try telling us how he uses this new sense to take down the baddies. Also, I find your wording a bit awkward, making your logline longer than it needs to be. You don’t need to say his name and you don’t need to repeat that he could have died. I’ve tried rewriting your logline in one sentence and with fewer words:
‘A superstar organized-crime prosecutor, forced to live in a bubble for eight agonizing years after being exposed to toxic chemicals, finally emerges with a sixth sense?, which he uses to take down many corporate polluters and finally avenge those who’d tried to kill him.’