Cole’s World
After the death of his niece, an alcoholic thrill-seeker has psychotic delusions, coercing himself into vigilanteism.
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The story is unclear because the plot is vague in the logline made wors by the lack of a clear cause and effect relationship between the story elements.
How does the death of his niece motivate the main character to become a vigilante? The connection between the two is unclear, is it because he wants to get revenge on her killers? Is it because this is the only way he can stop other children from dying? This is a crucial part of the story and needs to be specified.
Secondly the main character description is vague because he is an alcoholic and a thrill seeker and has psychotic delusions. Each one of these descriptions doesn’t necessarily enhance the others they just add seemingly unrelated characteristics to the same character.
Less is so much more when it comes to character description so what would be the best single description to use for the MC that will pose as a problem for him to achieve his specific goal?
Lastly what is his goal?
Hope this helps.
I am not sure you can coerce yourself
Nice and terse logline that hits the marks of what a logline should have: Inciting Incident, MC action and the flaw he must overcome… and all within 25 words. Only two comments really: 1) a hero with psychotic delusions isn’t an endearing quality an audience will take sympathetically to; and 2) maybe add something more about how he overcomes his flaw – eg “… coercing himself into vigilantism as way of overcoming his alcoholism.