Computer Mouse
MichaelHagPenpusher
The pro-justice covert rodent group, Anonymouse, hacks the Rat Mob?s plans, but when the Rats get wind of the hackers the mice must scurry underground to prevent the rat mobsters from following through on their nefarious baby mouse smuggling ring.
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Hi guys thanks for the feedback. This pitch is starting to get a few bites and I’m glad to be able to sharpen it! Thanks again
+10 points for “Maxwell Mouse”. I’m stealing that.
(I’m kidding, I’m kidding)
Lay off the mouse, rat stuff. The story needs to work without it. Sure, the concept of an animated mouse/rat cyber/hacker thing is great. But “just because it’s animated mice” won’t save a poor story
(See, Dreamworks vs. pixar).
I’m sure you’ve put in the hard-yards and your story is great. Just work on your logline.
“A group of computer-hacking mice must prevent a team of rat mobsters from mouse-trafficking [or else…]”
Gets the story, and your Unique Selling Point across.
Instead of ramming “IT’S ANIMATED MICE AND RATS” down their throat, the reader says “Wait? Is this… like actual, animated mice, and rats? TELL ME MORE!” And your foot is in the door (send them your one page synopsis. If they like that, they’ll ask for the script!)
Second point… you’ve got an ensemble piece here. Which is OK. Indeed. Fine. But… you *may* find it easier to focus on one character hero. remember Ratatoille (sorry, but it’s what came to mind.). It wasn’t “A team of rats help a chef”, it was “ONE RAT… helps ONE CHEF….”.
Rattus Bickle? (No. Not funny, TOASTMAN, Stick to what you’re good at)
OK, think of it this way. A group of mice must save some baby mice. Sounds “Meh”
OK. Now, “SARAH mouse, must save HER BABY BROTHER BOBBY MOUSE, from evil rats or he’ll BECOME A SLAVE” – More powerful and emotive, yeah?
As always, listen to RicheV. He has the number “668” next to his name, not because he lives next door to The Beast, it’s because he reads a lot of these, and tends to know what he’s talking about.
Solid points duck
Personally, I feel that names of characters and/or organizations tend to take away from your logline. I feel you can say more with an adjective than a name. However, I see why you did it (to point out that you’re talking about mice and rats). I’ll be honest the logline is confusing, because I’m not sure who’s the protagonist or the antagonist. There’s really no one protagonist to which the reader can root for.
How about a lead character:
“After Maxwell Mouse discovers the Rat Mobs baby smuggling plans, he must infiltrate their dastardly organization to save his niece who’s their latest victim.”
(I thought about going with “Rat Bauer” but since the Rats are the bad guys it clashed)
After the covert rodent group, Anonymouse discovers the Rat Mobs baby smuggling plans they must…
(At this point you should come up with something a little more compelling than, “Scurry Underground” but since I don’t know the overall story I am not sure what that would be)
Hope that helped, good luck with this!