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ejsamuwelPenpusher
This romantic, sci-fi action fantasy is set in a medieval world where war is common and survival is a daily struggle. The young heroine, Betha must persevere to overcome beasts, barbarians, ice Vikings, mythical creatures, elves and savages throughout the kingdom who all want her head.
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Agreed with all the above.
I’ll add that in most cases when you find yourself using many adjectives or genre descriptions in a logline, you know something is wrong.
I think you need to tell us ‘why’ all these creatures want her head. What is so special about her, or what is so special about her mission/goal that everyone wants her dead?
What are they trying to stop?
Take this as an example: “When she discovers she’s the descendant of the last dragon, a headstrong village girl must…” then tell us what her goal is and what she must do to achieve it.
We don’t need names in a logline. It takes up valuable words – a logline should ideally be under 40 words. If there’s a certain amount of world building required to understand the story then, obviously, go for it. It’s a guideline only.
Check out the formula page to help with how a logline should be formatted. The main things we need though are an inciting incident (something that kick starts the story and poses a question for the protagonist), a protagonist, and a goal (that is the protagonist’s answer to the question posed in the inciting incident).
Currently, all we have is a situation where your protagonist is simply avoiding being killed and battling people/creatures. To what end? Why do they want her head? What’s she trying to achieve? Who is Betha? How young is young? 8 or 20?
It’s more Fantasy than SciFi. SciFi, to me, is taking the world as we know and advancing it in some or many scientific ways. Space travel, aliens, futuristic worlds, etc. etc. I think setting it in a medieval world with mythical creatures – this screams Fantasy. Game of Thrones is a Fantasy. Not a SciFi. It might seem trivial, but if a production company are looking to make a new “Game of Thrones” type show and they search their loglines by genre… yours won’t come up.
Where’s the romance element?
Ultimately, I think we have a good idea of the world but no sense of the story. Story is the most important thing in a logline. A logline IS the story – albeit condensed into 40 words or less (ideally).
Romantic sci fi action series set in the medieval times? That’s a tough sell.
Is this for a feature film or a series?