Corridor One (cont.)
corridoroneLogliner
To solve the puzzle of her family disappearance, a fraud investigator must find out the truth about her father who masterminded an international criminal heist
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Time to start dropping words. “To fit together the pieces of a….” Could be “To solve…”
Dissidence isn’t really needed, in my opinion. The puzzle isn’t a character, so you don’t really need to give much depth.
I don’t know if anybody has said this, but the biggest ‘elephant’ in your logline is your insistence in including the location. Take it out, it’s not important to the story at all.
And stretching it out to ‘fit together the pieces blah blah blah’ just say ‘solve the puzzle’, there is no Oscar category for best convolution in a logline.
‘To find out the truth about her father, a fr
I don’t know if anybody has said this, but the biggest ‘elephant’ in your logline is your insistence in including the location. Take it out, it’s not important to the story at all.
And stretching it out to ‘fit together the pieces blah blah blah’ just say ‘solve the puzzle’, there is no Oscar category for best convolution in a logline.
‘To find out the truth about her father, a fraud investigator must solve the puzzle behind an international criminal heist’ or some such.
More thriller, less filler…
To solve the puzzle of her family disappearance, a fraud investigator must find out the truth about her father who masterminded an international criminal heist
Hello,
now the logline is quite good to read, but I still miss the logic that links “the family disappearence” and the heist; I miss a clear inciting incident linked to a goal.
“When her family disappears,” can’t be the inciting event (I know from your previous explanation that this happened long before the story starts).
Act I.
A fraud investigator is doing his ordinary work, her life is a little sad because her familiy disappeared. Then something happens (inciting event), something that gives her a clear goal : ________________________.
For exemple : she finds out his father masterminded a big international heist. This gives her a clear goal : to find him and to find what happens to his family.
The logline maybe would be:
When a fraud investigator learns that her father masterminded an international heist, she must follow his tracks and solve the case to find her lost family.
Maybe it’s not perfect but here at least I see a clear path from beginning to end. Maybe to gain attention you should say what is this “heist”. You promise an international criminal heist : do not promise, prouve it! (at least, try). A fake nazi secret “degenerate art” collection for exemple? A fake Catherine de M?dicis’s jewel? It must be something big. If it’s a fake syberian gold pearl, ok but it’s not a big hook because nobody knows what it is and what is its value – anyway better to say what it is and let the reader judge if it’s a “international criminal heist”.
Anyway the message is focus about the inciting event and be specific.
I read a previous logline, so it’s about diamonds… real diamonds? or fake diamonds? A fraud? A heist? I think you focus too much about “family” and not enough abot the real actions. It seems to me that the book/film is about stolen diamonds and something that must be done with this diamonds, this is the action line, work on it! Of course family is important but this is an action movie not a drama.
I like the irony of a “fraud investigator” having to use her skills of investigation and deceit to track down a criminal father.? There is a potential character redemption arc here that could elevate the story above?being?just a?cross between “Focus” and “The Italian Job” (or “Oceans Eleven”?).
I don’t have a problem with the apparent convolution of plot elements as this is right in keeping with many contemporary screen stories – such as ‘Mission Impossible’ movies, “Focus”, ?”The Mentalist”, “Persons of Interest”, even “Terminator: Genisys” and ‘Avengers/Ultron’.
My main issue with the logline [which is apparently an improvement from one or two past] is that the daughter/investigator needs a more compelling motive than simply to resolve a “puzzle”.? Was she expecting a cut of the profits?? Has she done a deal with the FBI to get off charges against her?? Is her daughter or mother being held hostage by a crime lord (or even third world dictator or? black ops mercenary company) who wants the heist back in their hands?? Any of these more dramatic pushes or pulls – especially with a ‘ticking clock’ implied – would make the character motivation (and therefore story concept) stronger and more engaging.
Steven.