Serial Twins? (http://roosterhoff.deviantart.com/art/Serial-Twins-305889927)
Rutger OosterhoffLogliner
Twin sister detectives – who moonlight as vigilante serial killers – get framed for murder by their criminology teacher, who they (now) must outwit to clear their names.
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Starting with the protags and not burying the lead: Twin sister detectives – who moonlight as vigilante serial killers – get framed for murder by their criminology teacher, who they (now) must outwit to clear their names. I don’t know – sounds like a faulty parallelism?
Starting with the protags and not burying the lead: Twin sister detectives – who moonlight as vigilante serial killers – get framed for murder by their criminology teacher, who they (now) must outwit to clear their names. I don’t know – sounds like a faulty parallelism?
Yes it MUST have SIN CITY FEEL. it’s about TWIN CITY meets SIN CITY. Furthermore, as I explained earlier, the twins are not evil by nature, it’s not in their genes. They only kill to do justice. But they still kill (although one of the twins is not really in to it=see drawing of father working in the dog meat factory and the girls watching) a lot, therefore being serial killer. If I would make them totally evil the audience would not ‘root’ for them anymore. It’s what Tarantino does with making his protags likable and not likable at the same time, play with this feeling, that makes the audience feel unconvertible and keeps them focused.
That’s it for now. I go and take a look at your comments again this evening, midday for you guys in Amerika (?), and for now let the info sink in. You both are far ‘out thinking’ (if that’s a word) me in terms of sentence contruction, but hey, that’s why I’m here, hopefully learning on this forum
Yes it MUST have SIN CITY FEEL. it’s about TWIN CITY meets SIN CITY. Furthermore, as I explained earlier, the twins are not evil by nature, it’s not in their genes. They only kill to do justice. But they still kill (although one of the twins is not really in to it=see drawing of father working in the dog meat factory and the girls watching) a lot, therefore being serial killer. If I would make them totally evil the audience would not ‘root’ for them anymore. It’s what Tarantino does with making his protags likable and not likable at the same time, play with this feeling, that makes the audience feel unconvertible and keeps them focused.
That’s it for now. I go and take a look at your comments again this evening, midday for you guys in Amerika (?), and for now let the info sink in. You both are far ‘out thinking’ (if that’s a word) me in terms of sentence contruction, but hey, that’s why I’m here, hopefully learning on this forum
Maybe, but I begin the logline with their mentor -The criminology teacher- framing them and instead of ‘struggling’ to clear their names, In my attempt the must ‘outwit’ their mentor. I end with them being pro-active instead of having events happen to them.
Maybe, but I begin the logline with their mentor -The criminology teacher- framing them and instead of ‘struggling’ to clear their names, In my attempt the must ‘outwit’ their mentor. I end with them being pro-active instead of having events happen to them.
Hi Richiev –
Yeah I was aware I didn’t lead with the inc/inc, but the reason I did that was so that I could put what seems like the hook to this story – the fact that their MENTOR is their antagonistic threat and a cold, cunning serial killer himself – right at the end of the logline where the punch(line) has the most effect. You’re kind of forced to omit this fact altogether if you put the inc/inc up front.
I think both loglines work, one may be better suited than the other depending on the focus of the story.
Rutger –
The other thing I noticed after looking at your cover art is that the loglines that Richiev and I posted might not capture the true spirit of your story, which looks like it’s more of a pulp fiction-esque type genre.
Maybe for your protags you want to go with something more like “two twin glamour-babe detectives – who moonlight as vigilante serial killers” instead, and go with something even more evil/slasher for your antagonist like “their mentor – who’s secretly a deranged but cunning psycho killer himself.”
fwiw – good luck
Hi Richiev –
Yeah I was aware I didn’t lead with the inc/inc, but the reason I did that was so that I could put what seems like the hook to this story – the fact that their MENTOR is their antagonistic threat and a cold, cunning serial killer himself – right at the end of the logline where the punch(line) has the most effect. You’re kind of forced to omit this fact altogether if you put the inc/inc up front.
I think both loglines work, one may be better suited than the other depending on the focus of the story.
Rutger –
The other thing I noticed after looking at your cover art is that the loglines that Richiev and I posted might not capture the true spirit of your story, which looks like it’s more of a pulp fiction-esque type genre.
Maybe for your protags you want to go with something more like “two twin glamour-babe detectives – who moonlight as vigilante serial killers” instead, and go with something even more evil/slasher for your antagonist like “their mentor – who’s secretly a deranged but cunning psycho killer himself.”
fwiw – good luck
Gilgamesh, you’ve buried the lead: Being framed for murder, that’s what set’s the story in motion.
How about something like this:
—–
After being framed for murder by their criminology teacher, twin sister detectives ? who moonlight as vigilante serial killers?Must outwit their mentor if they’re to clear their names.”
—–
Gilgamesh, you’ve buried the lead: Being framed for murder, that’s what set’s the story in motion.
How about something like this:
—–
After being framed for murder by their criminology teacher, twin sister detectives ? who moonlight as vigilante serial killers?Must outwit their mentor if they’re to clear their names.”
—–
“Twin sister detectives ? who moonlight as vigilante serial killers of the murderers they?ve uncovered ? struggle to clear their names after being framed for murder by their criminology mentor – a shrewd, ruthless serial killer himself.”
“Twin sister detectives ? who moonlight as vigilante serial killers of the murderers they?ve uncovered ? struggle to clear their names after being framed for murder by their criminology mentor – a shrewd, ruthless serial killer himself.”
Actually I did not get from the logine that the twins were also serial killers, it reads as if they are the children of a serial killer.
“Two identical killers babes..”. (it reads as if they are the babies of a killer) Now that they are adults they run a detective agency.
Actually I did not get from the logine that the twins were also serial killers, it reads as if they are the children of a serial killer.
“Two identical killers babes..”. (it reads as if they are the babies of a killer) Now that they are adults they run a detective agency.
Craig, we are talking about ‘two identical female serial twins’ (all these words are essential) How do you tell the audience this in less words – or- the words ‘spread out’ over one sentence? I’m getting a headache! “…
… twins open a detective agency only to be framed for murder… Yes, this is (one of the) hook(s)=irony (also look at my (to long)last comment.? And the twins are not “children of a murderer” but children of a ‘serial killer’. In this story this is absolutely essential.
Yes, the girls being identical twins is “the” most important beat. Them being identical means ‘their teamplay’ is extraordinary. If we were just talking about non-identical twins, there already would NOT be the same story. There would infact, not be a story at all! This story is about the ironyy that two identical female twins solve murders witout being detected as killers themselves; and them having an unique take on how to solve those murders, knowing this ‘the main essentials’ of my logline, do not change.
I like Richies version, but it does not tell that we are talking about serial killers, and also not about the fact that they are female. So there is no hook anymore, and no story. My logline has all the essentials but is to long and does not read very good.
When they are framed for murder, identical {FEMALE SERIAL TWIN} detectives must evade authorities while attempting to catch the true killer, their criminology professor.? And now, with the extra essential info, Richies former ‘smooth’ sentence sucks! HEEEEELP!!
“Something similar to that has already been done with the American cable TV series, Baxter” Precisely DPG, something similar but not quiett the same.”
DPG, This subtile is where Hollywood is running on. There is a famous Hollywood expression. Give me the same thing, only different! in Chapter 2 of “Save the cat” “Blake Snyder talks about how to dance with cliche ? you have to be in the vicinity of a cliche, because otherwise your script is probably so out there that most viewers won?t be able to relate to it at all, but not to close.”
The single unifying element, I already explained a a bit differently in this feedback, are the ‘serial twin detectives’, but BEING detectives they will Always solve ‘MURDERS’. The drawings with the cut off head shows you the hole story. http://roosterhoff.deviantart.com/art/Serial-Twins-305889927
identical twin sister detectives
Craig, we are talking about ‘two identical female serial twins’ (all these words are essential) How do you tell the audience this in less words – or- the words ‘spread out’ over one sentence? I’m getting a headache! “…
… twins open a detective agency only to be framed for murder… Yes, this is (one of the) hook(s)=irony (also look at my (to long)last comment.? And the twins are not “children of a murderer” but children of a ‘serial killer’. In this story this is absolutely essential.
Yes, the girls being identical twins is “the” most important beat. Them being identical means ‘their teamplay’ is extraordinary. If we were just talking about non-identical twins, there already would NOT be the same story. There would infact, not be a story at all! This story is about the ironyy that two identical female twins solve murders witout being detected as killers themselves; and them having an unique take on how to solve those murders, knowing this ‘the main essentials’ of my logline, do not change.
I like Richies version, but it does not tell that we are talking about serial killers, and also not about the fact that they are female. So there is no hook anymore, and no story. My logline has all the essentials but is to long and does not read very good.
When they are framed for murder, identical {FEMALE SERIAL TWIN} detectives must evade authorities while attempting to catch the true killer, their criminology professor.? And now, with the extra essential info, Richies former ‘smooth’ sentence sucks! HEEEEELP!!
“Something similar to that has already been done with the American cable TV series, Baxter” Precisely DPG, something similar but not quiett the same.”
DPG, This subtile is where Hollywood is running on. There is a famous Hollywood expression. Give me the same thing, only different! in Chapter 2 of “Save the cat” “Blake Snyder talks about how to dance with cliche ? you have to be in the vicinity of a cliche, because otherwise your script is probably so out there that most viewers won?t be able to relate to it at all, but not to close.”
The single unifying element, I already explained a a bit differently in this feedback, are the ‘serial twin detectives’, but BEING detectives they will Always solve ‘MURDERS’. The drawings with the cut off head shows you the hole story. http://roosterhoff.deviantart.com/art/Serial-Twins-305889927
identical twin sister detectives
>> it does not tell us they are female
Then insert the word sister as in ” identical twin sister detectives”.
I like the concept of identical twin female detectives, but…
>>>They grow up with them to become serial killers.. But because it?s not in their genes they only kill when they think it?s justified
Something similar to that has already been done with the American cable TV series, “Baxter”.
More to the point: what do you consider to be the single unifying element, the core concept of this story, the one nucleus around which everything in the story revolves. Is the nucleus of the story the twin detectives, or the serial murderer?
>> it does not tell us they are female
Then insert the word sister as in ” identical twin sister detectives”.
I like the concept of identical twin female detectives, but…
>>>They grow up with them to become serial killers.. But because it?s not in their genes they only kill when they think it?s justified
Something similar to that has already been done with the American cable TV series, “Baxter”.
More to the point: what do you consider to be the single unifying element, the core concept of this story, the one nucleus around which everything in the story revolves. Is the nucleus of the story the twin detectives, or the serial murderer?
Yes, I like it Richiev/Livejosh, my only problem is that it does not tell us they are female. That gives my story a hook. Could make the title Killer Babes, but I like Serial Twins better. I don’t know? DPG, this was the first storyline I worked on. I’ts part of Serial Twins Rising. The girls are opducted as one month old babies from their real, loving, family by a serial killer couple who have a a desire to have children. They grow up with them to become serial killers.. But because it’s not in their genes they only kill when they think it’s justified. I also had an completely different storyline that I did not like anymore: “Twins from Hell get seperated after birth. They meet again at an conference (debating?) serial killers – organized by a cop.” (their dad who wants to wipe all competition; the other undrcover serial killer attending the conference and the important cops attending ) – Serial Twins. How they grow up (Serial Twins Rising) will be part now of the movie about them running a detective agency, solving their first murdercase . The follow up movie (comicbook) is the next case. http://roosterhoff.deviantart.com/art/Serial-Twins-305889927
Yes, I like it Richiev/Livejosh, my only problem is that it does not tell us they are female. That gives my story a hook. Could make the title Killer Babes, but I like Serial Twins better. I don’t know? DPG, this was the first storyline I worked on. I’ts part of Serial Twins Rising. The girls are opducted as one month old babies from their real, loving, family by a serial killer couple who have a a desire to have children. They grow up with them to become serial killers.. But because it’s not in their genes they only kill when they think it’s justified. I also had an completely different storyline that I did not like anymore: “Twins from Hell get seperated after birth. They meet again at an conference (debating?) serial killers – organized by a cop.” (their dad who wants to wipe all competition; the other undrcover serial killer attending the conference and the important cops attending ) – Serial Twins. How they grow up (Serial Twins Rising) will be part now of the movie about them running a detective agency, solving their first murdercase . The follow up movie (comicbook) is the next case. http://roosterhoff.deviantart.com/art/Serial-Twins-305889927
I like Richiev’s twist as well.
I like Richiev’s twist as well.
I am struggling with the open line. It is very unclear. There is an assumption that we are talking twins. But there could be two identical killers, each having one child each. It just makes it harder than it has to be.
“Children of a murderer, a set of twins open a detective agency only to be framed for murder by their criminology teacher”
This isn’t great, but reads a little easier.
The other thing to consider, is what are the big story beats. Is being twins a big story beat? If they were just siblings would the story change. If you could still tell the same story (detail would differ), then twins is important. Swap out that fact for a story element. What you love about your characters or the world you have created often isn’t what the story is about. Look at “The Walking Dead”, it isn’t about Zombies. It is about people struggling to survive in a desolate world.
I think there is more story (like what they want) than your line is telling me.
I am struggling with the open line. It is very unclear. There is an assumption that we are talking twins. But there could be two identical killers, each having one child each. It just makes it harder than it has to be.
“Children of a murderer, a set of twins open a detective agency only to be framed for murder by their criminology teacher”
This isn’t great, but reads a little easier.
The other thing to consider, is what are the big story beats. Is being twins a big story beat? If they were just siblings would the story change. If you could still tell the same story (detail would differ), then twins is important. Swap out that fact for a story element. What you love about your characters or the world you have created often isn’t what the story is about. Look at “The Walking Dead”, it isn’t about Zombies. It is about people struggling to survive in a desolate world.
I think there is more story (like what they want) than your line is telling me.
Good polish by Richiev. Although I think a more interesting twist would be that the murderer is also someone they are closely related to. Like their father. (Who could also have taught them the biz.)
fwiw.
Good polish by Richiev. Although I think a more interesting twist would be that the murderer is also someone they are closely related to. Like their father. (Who could also have taught them the biz.)
fwiw.
“When they are framed for murder, identical twin detectives must evade authorities while attempting to catch the true killer, their criminology professor.”
“When they are framed for murder, identical twin detectives must evade authorities while attempting to catch the true killer, their criminology professor.”