Mentor
Posted: 2015-04-21T07:57:19+10:00 In:

When a distrusting telepath learns his whole life has been a lie, he must take on the shadowy agency he works for to uncover his real past.

Volition

Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    12 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      When he discovers he’s being manipulated by the government, a troubled telepath who can control others must… (Then tell us what he must do)

      Hope that helps.

      • 0

    2. As Richiev said. You need to state the MC’s goal – what does he desperately want? Is it to break out of the clutches of the government agency that he’s discovered is controlling him? Or something else?

      Example – logline for ‘The Truman Show”:

      “When an insurance salesman discovers that his whole life is a TV show sham for public consumption, he makes a desperate escape bid.”

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      As the others have said. What does he who thought he was the puppeteer do when he realizes he is merely a puppet?

      • 0
    4. Mentor

      I like the last version. It’s a good logline.
      I just suggest you to find a better adjective than “troubled”.
      Try to think deeply about your character to find the right word.

      • 0
    5. Mentor

      Thanks. I guess I am trying to get across the fact he doesn’t like what he is doing and has always been against it he’s fighting his own supposed nature.

      He’s haunted by the echos if the minds he’s been with. Any suggestions for a word that’ll act as the flaw I’m trying to get across almost like self doubt, reluctance I guess.

      • 0
    6. Mentor

      Also, so you didn’t mind the fact I didn’t really have a goal in the last log line. I’m always confused by what is in a log line

      • 0

    7. This concept seems similar to a movie called “Push.”

      You may want to put a unique/different spin on the concept to separate your story from Push and others like it. Maybe tell us more about what job the protag is doing for the shadowy agency or how the protag came to work for them. Was the protag abducted from his family, etc.

      When a despondent telepath discovers his whole life has been a lie, he takes on the shadowy agency who abducted him to uncover his past and make them pay. Something like that. It still needs higher stakes though.

      Hope this helps.

      • 0
    8. Mentor

      For me the goal is “uncover his real past” and it’s enough.

      I think it’s good enough as a logline (still that adjective to find…).
      Besides, it’s not a “high concept” movie (but not all movies must be high concept).
      Probably, it’s a not a logline that will get your script read. But if this is your script, you have your logline.

      I think the script can work. I can see a spine in the movie from this logline. I don’t think that in this website the goal is to come up with a “genius” idea, a high concept movie, or a revolutionary concept. To write a logline is the first step in the scriptwriting process. Very often you can see major problems in a concept doing the logline. Then, you can test the concept and see if the logline generate some interest or none. Do you love this concept enough to go through the full writing process? Enough to start writing at least? Take your time to think about it.

      One more thing. I would avoid the future : “he’ll take” —> present tense is better.

      • 0
    9. Mentor

      Thanks, I really appreciate the feedback.

      I do see where you are coming from, but I am trying to make my point of difference is the fact these are people who are brought into an agency who have been shaping the future of nations, wars etc, so he is someone who has spent his controlling others only to discover that his whole life has been under someone else’s control, so I would be playing with themes of Nature vs Nurture and Freewill etc.

      I would also hopefully take it in a more spy thriller direction than scifi.

      So, the story would revolve around a guy trying to discover who he is, but in doing so discovers a plan by his agency to control on a global scale so he has to decide who he is? A product of his past or is he really free to choose his future?

      I like your take on the Line though it is a big help.

      • 0
    10. Mentor

      Cheers for the feedback. Yep, the excitement I get when I think about where I can take this story makes me want to write it. But I have to start from a solid foundation, which means nailing a logline which I am trying to do. And thanks for all the feedback I should be able to do that.

      • 0
    11. Mentor

      I guess looking for a way of saying he is suffering from an identity crisis about the type of person he wants to be and discovers that his past, the foundation of who he is false

      • 0
    12. Mentor

      “While struggling with an identity crisis”: I think this is implied by the fact that he discover that his life is a lie so it’s not useful in the logline. And despondent is not a good characterisation for a MC in my opinion.

      “When a skilled telepath discovers his whole life has been a lie, he must take on the shadowy agency he works for to uncover his real past.”
      You have an incident (he discover his life is a lie) and the goal (uncover his real past).

      You could also find a way to avoid the couple discover/uncover, that sounds poor.

      • 0