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NewGrimmCity
Posted: October 17, 20132013-10-17T14:20:55+10:00 2013-10-17T14:20:55+10:00In: Public

When a bumbling businessman's necktie is used to strangle the hostess of a lavish party, he must retrieve his tie before he is implicated in the murder. Unfortunately, both the body and the necktie are missing.

Loosing Helen

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    4 Reviews

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    1. NewGrimmCity
      2013-10-18T18:42:05+10:00Added an answer on October 18, 2013 at 6:42 pm

      Blundering, awkward, and clumsy are all adjectives that describe the protagonist.

      What is it about the loglime that makes you think that bumbling isn’t appropriate? Is it that I’m not dealing with him changing from bumbling to something else, or is there another reason?

      If I don’t utilize one of the adjectives listed above, what would you suggest?

      I use the adjective bumbling to help indicate that the script is meant as a comedy (or, at least, that it isn’t meant to be taken entirely seriously). If I change it, how else can I indicate that in the logline?

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    2. dcjohn
      2013-10-18T16:39:00+10:00Added an answer on October 18, 2013 at 4:39 pm

      I’m not sure “bumbling” is the best description of the protagonist, insofar that the story itself doesn’t really connect to a bumbling character having a bumbling to competent arc. Are there some other adjectives that might make a stronger choice for giving a picture of our hero, and why he in particular is a good fit for the story you want to tell?

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    3. NewGrimmCity
      2013-10-18T05:04:53+10:00Added an answer on October 18, 2013 at 5:04 am

      Thank you, that helps.

      To answer your question, he is there at the time of the murder and when the body goes missing, though he doesn’t see the murder happen, nor does he see what happens to the body. He does, however, see the body and his tie briefly before they go missing. To find out exactly how that happens, you would have to read the script.

      Again, thank you for the feedback.

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    4. Richiev Singularity
      2013-10-18T04:06:50+10:00Added an answer on October 18, 2013 at 4:06 am

      I like this logline,

      First:
      We have a lead character. (Bumbling business man)
      We have an inciting incident that’s specific. (Tie used in murder)
      We have a goal. (Getting the tie back)
      We have stakes (Indited for murder)
      -and-
      We have something standing in the lead’s way. (The tie is missing, he must search for it, plus it’s implied there is a killer about)

      Second: You may be able to leave out … in the murder. Simply saying before he’s implicated is all you need.

      Third: My only question: How does he know his necktie was used in the murder if the body is missing???

      Anyway, good attempted
      —–
      After his necktie’s used to strangle the hostess of a lavish party, a bumbling businessman must retrieve the murder weapon before he’s implicated; unfortunately both the tie and body have disappeared.”
      (31 words and no period)
      —–

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!!!!

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