Penpusher
Posted: 2015-02-05T23:36:25+10:00 In:

When a Craigslist-swinging-meetup goes bad and the voyeruist find herself trapped with a serial killer, she must out-clever the killer before times-up as gagged-bate for the killer?s next victim.

short – the trap

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    12 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      The second part of your logline sounds a bit vague, maybe you could elaborate on that. What does the killer’s next victim have that your protagonist needs to survive?

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    2. Logliner

      The second part of your logline sounds a bit vague, maybe you could elaborate on that. What does the killer’s next victim have that your protagonist needs to survive?

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    3. Singularity

      All of the logline is confusing to me.

      “Caught by a serial killer” — is he the swinger’s date or…?

      And tthe logline presents a weak, helpless protagonist who has not active role in her own survival; her fate is in the hands of the next victim. Seems like the “next victim” is the one who should be cast in the role of the protagonist .

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    4. Singularity

      All of the logline is confusing to me.

      “Caught by a serial killer” — is he the swinger’s date or…?

      And tthe logline presents a weak, helpless protagonist who has not active role in her own survival; her fate is in the hands of the next victim. Seems like the “next victim” is the one who should be cast in the role of the protagonist .

      • 0
    5. Singularity

      I have to agree, what does the swingers date have to do with the main plot?

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    6. Singularity

      I have to agree, what does the swingers date have to do with the main plot?

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    7. Penpusher

      Ah, I totally see how the swingers date looks unimportant and how the protagonist looks helpless.

      another try:

      When a Craigslist-swinging-meetup goes bad and the voyeruist find herself trapped with a serial killer, she must out-clever the killer before her time is up as gagged bate for the killer?s next victim.

      I updated the logline (or, should I keep the original and just write changes below?).

      Also this is a short, so the story is only describing one event (the whole meetup until resolution).

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    8. Penpusher

      Ah, I totally see how the swingers date looks unimportant and how the protagonist looks helpless.

      another try:

      When a Craigslist-swinging-meetup goes bad and the voyeruist find herself trapped with a serial killer, she must out-clever the killer before her time is up as gagged bate for the killer?s next victim.

      I updated the logline (or, should I keep the original and just write changes below?).

      Also this is a short, so the story is only describing one event (the whole meetup until resolution).

      • 0
    9. Uberwriter

      I am finding the gagged bait a stumbling block. Being held by a serial killer “bond and gagged” is a given. Also her reason turning up. Swinging is enough to set the scene, that she likes to watch is unneeded detail at this point in time. taking this out gives the line a pace which I think would be reflected in the story.

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    10. Uberwriter

      I am finding the gagged bait a stumbling block. Being held by a serial killer “bond and gagged” is a given. Also her reason turning up. Swinging is enough to set the scene, that she likes to watch is unneeded detail at this point in time. taking this out gives the line a pace which I think would be reflected in the story.

      • 0
    11. Penpusher

      Thanks all for the feedback!

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    12. Penpusher

      Thanks all for the feedback!

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