TBA
When a mortally wounded astronaut crashes into an isolated road-diner, the young waitress must protect herself and her customers from the oncoming alien threat!!
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Does the astronaut’s spacecraft crash into the diner, or does he plummet into it after being ejected from his craft? Also, wouldn’t all of humanity be threatened by an alien invasion? Are the aliens only interested in retrieving the body of the astronaut for some reason? Maybe the isolation of the diner makes the threat to the people there a bit more immediate, but I think you can make all of this clearer in your logline. Sorry if I seem overly critical, but I definitely think you can improve on this. Don’t forget the adage: writing is rewriting. Good luck.
If the astronaut is mortally wounded, presumably he dies before he tells the waitress about the threat (the inciting incident) .We need an inkling of the nature of this threat to the diners. Do the aliens take over their bodies, eat their brains, steal their food or just wipe them out with their ray guns? I guess my question is whether the movie is schlock-horror or is there a message for the people of earth?
Thanks Lee. I’m writing to a word limit of 25. Good feedback.
Hello,
I think the logline is too focused on the beginning and not enough about the main plot (the unspecified alien threat). Moreover I don’t think the logline is clear enough – is the astronaut human? The logic that connect the astronaut crash and the alien threat is not clear.
Ok, this sounds a bit like ‘Legion”:
An out-of-the-way diner becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity’s only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael.
My take: South Parks “Cancelled’ meets “Legion”
A young waitress and her customers trapped in an isolated road-diner must fight of an Alien TV crew and their brutal SWAT team – who must decide if humans can still kick ass and its worth to continue the ones bloody popular intergalactic sitcom Earth – now ratings have dropped dramatically.
I know trying to get so much across in so few words is difficult. Don’t worry if you go over twenty-five words – up to about thirty-five words is acceptable, so I’ve been told. Maybe you don’t need to mention the astronaut at this stage. How about starting with something like this: ‘After being warned of an imminent alien attack, a young waitress at an isolated road-diner … ‘
Well said, FFF.