Prodigal
When a playboy, slacker returns to join his father?s growing corporate empire, tensions mount between his toe-the-line older brother over who is better suited to run the company.
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The logline and title tell me pretty much what I can expect from this story, which is great. I would suggest losing the comma after “playboy”. Also, I’m left feeling a little “then what?” from this logline, and not in a good way. What is the conclusion your story is drawing towards? How COULD this story end, from the elements you’ve provided?
I agree with the element of urgency with a sick father. I’m also confused why the audience would root for the playboy? Is it because the other one is corrupt? Why does the playboy decide to return? Why did he leave in the first place? Why does he return?
It seems like a very good idea. It really got my attention. Well done.
Great comments!
Yes, the playboy is the protagonist. Adding the element of urgency with a sick father is a nice touch as well as making the older brother corrupt.
Thanks for work-shopping.
I agree with the comments above that we need a missing element of urgency or explanation in terms of why the playboy son, whom I presume is probably the protagonist, would return at this particular time to vie for control of his father’s corporate empire.
To me it’s clear that the slacker is the protagonist, his brother the antagonist. I agree tere needs to be another element though. A dying dad could be it – the will is yet to be finalized and he has to prove himself. A board might be good too. The dad has passed away and they have to appoint the CEO by a certain day. To be successful though I think the toe-the-line brother would need to be corrupt in the end. You probably already have this in mind – otherwise in reality your protagonist will lose
The basic elements are there for dramatic conflict. But I’m restraining tweaking the logline because I’m not sure whom you conceive to be the protagonist, the playboy or the plodder? Who do you want the audience to root for?
And it seems to me that what’s at stake is not who is better suited but, more the point, who will eventually run the company. So it’s not just a matter of “tensions mounting”, it’s a battle for control of the empire.
And I suggest the spiking the story with urgency: the old man is terminally ill or rapidly becoming incapacitated with Alzheimer’s or some such ticking clock.