Posted: 2012-11-21T13:02:55+10:00 In:

When a policeman's family is kidnapped by a sadistic crimelord he must kill a rival crime boss to save his family.

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    6 Reviews

    1. Oh, I forgot to mention: very lean!
      But here’s my slight tweak:

      When his family is kidnapped by a sadistic crimelord, a by-the-book policeman must kill a rival crime boss to save them.

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    2. Strong sense of genre. Cool goal. And high stakes! But the main character’s a bit bland. He needs a flaw. Also, something to consider: maybe not a cop? It might be too easy for a cop. Could we make him a librarian? A data analyst? Making it hard for the hero spices up the story. (Although it might mess with the sense of genre!)

      I also like Steven’s idea about the MC being the rival crime lord’s brother, or having specialist knowledge. It gives the antagonist a believable motive.

      Patrockable (Judge)

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    3. Big motiational hole here: Why does a crime lord need a cop to do a ‘hit’ for him? Doesn’t he have goons of his own to do that? The mere fact that he is sadistic is not a strong enough a reason for him to waste time setting up a cop (who does not appear to be special in any way) to kill someone.

      More is needed here to hook interest. For example, is the cop the rival crime lord’s brother, or even son? (That would work well with the sadism trait.) Or is the cop an ex CIA or infiltration expert? (Which suddenly makes sense why the cop has been chosen over the regular goons.)

      Steven Fernandez (Judge)

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    4. Penpusher

      I would suggest the flaw is something within the hero, planted from some wound in his past, some inner issue which he has to rectify within himself before he can achieve his goal.

      Think of Michael in The Godfather. Because his is a demise from a good character to a morally corrupt character we could say his flaw or weakness is he is legitimate, mainstream, separated from the family.

      He must overcome these weaknesses to change and take action (revenge) to become a tyrannical ruler of the family.

      In Tootsie his flaw is his he is arrogant, sexist, and a womanizer.

      By becoming a woman and seeing things from a new perspective he is able to change and develop a real relationship with a woman.

      So, the flaw must be how the hero starts the story, not something he must do in the future.

      Read Truby’s sections on ‘Premise’ and ‘Character’ in his Anatomy of Story for more on this.

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    5. To be honest I thought his flaw was that he’s a cop but he has to break the law,haven’t started writing yet and I’ll probably tweak this logline further, thanks for the comment

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    6. Penpusher

      Good. BUT…we don’t know the policeman’s flaw, the ‘ghost from his past’, or his ‘wound’ – the thing he must overcome within himself to achieve his outward goal.

      Success in achieving the outward goal – in a good story – always come from the hero realizing his inner ‘need’.

      Yes, loglines are all about the outward goal, which you have – BRILLIANT! You have just one word to tell us his flaw – the adjective to describe your hero – currently a gaping hole begging to be filled with a flaw !

      So, why has the sadistic crime lord (I think you can lose the adjective ‘sadistic’ we know he’s sadistic if this is his ultimatum) but what we don’t know is why he has chosen this policeman – there HAS to be a reason.

      Is the cop an ex-user or a gambler in his debt ? Maybe he needs to get in recovery? Maybe his REALIZATION that he needs to be in recovery will help him some way to achieve his goal…

      Maybe his GA sponsor is ex-mob with connections ?

      This is the difficulty of weaving a believable but thrilling story together.

      Watch The Town for a complex web of plots and subplots to see how cops and gangs and debts and families are all weaved together to form a thrilling but complex crime story.

      So, all that said, I think this is a GREAT idea for a story – but who is the cop? We need to know his flaw, why him ?

      Also, the flaw must somehow evoke our empathy.

      Maybe personalize exactly who is kidnapped too?

      “When a drugs bust goes down a corrupt cop in the pocket of the crimelord must pay $1,000,000 in compensation, but when he doesn’t and his 6 year old daughter is kidnapped for ransom, he faces a dilemma, find $1,000,000 in 24 hours, or kill a rival crime boss to save her.”

      Here you have stakes, and a dilemma: much easier to kill than find 1 million bucks, but what about his conscience – can he live with himself ? And what about his daughter. What would you do?

      I think you’re onto something here. Kind of story I’d like to write.

      Is the screenplay written yet? If not, think about including a few more details in the logline to give it more meat and more heart.

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