Sheep Among Wolves
Paul ClarkeSamurai
When a privileged na?ve young woman is attacked by an enraged lunatic accusing her of assassinating his wife, her sheltered world comes crashing down around her with the possibility he may be right.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
I really enjoyed this log line and can see it opening up many conflicts internally and externally. I’d perhaps only keep the descriptions of the characters to one or two, so a privileged naive woman, or a privileged young woman. Just seems a lot of description. Otherwise a good log line.
I think this has good possibilities. Two things- the young girl needs an adjective/ flaw that hightens the mystery more, e.g. ‘bi-polar’ or ‘paranoid’ etc. Second- you have the protagonist, the inciting incident, and the antagonist but after that you need the goal and the stakes rather than the fluffy line about her “world crashing”. A good start with real promise.
This is a story idea that I liked immediately but I also wanted to know why she thinks she could have assassinated someone – does she psychopathic tendencies or some other psychiatric illness?
Thanks Kriss. I see what you mean. I think naive goes hand in hand with being young. So I’ll cut out young.
Hi Phil. Thanks for the feedback.
I was intending her flaw to be the ‘naive’ part. Ironically you list psychological disorders and she has one. She has severe agoraphobia. But I thought it sounded clunky and pretentious when included in the logline. Instead it’s kind of alluded to by describing her world as sheltered. I would love to hear what people think of including the agoraphobia. Not sure if everyone knows what it is.
Sorry, the start of my reply came up as a separate entry. See below.
I like what you say about the goal. But I found it hard to include because in the initial phase of the story she’s just on the run. Trying to work out what her life was really about. Very much like the first Bourne, but without the amnesia. Her goals are small, evade one person after another and slowly an overall goal becomes apparent when she works out that she can’t run forever and must face them. Having said that, I’m working on a better description than ‘world crashing down around her’ cliche
“Accused of Murder by a deranged husband, a sheltered young woman must prove her innocence; the only problem, the more she investigates, the more it seems true.”
Hey Paul – sounds like her goal is nice and primal. Survive long enough to clear her name.
I’d also include whatever character flaw she must eventually overcome to complete her goal as the adjective.
Finally, whatever you do, include the goal and the stakes. These are what your story is about – character a wants x, and this is what happens if they fail.
Bad choice of words here. And inefficient in other parts. For example, instead of saying all of “privileged naive young woman” you could just say “debutante” or “debutante princess”. Instead of labelling her attacker immediately as an “enraged lunatic”, create sympathy and credibility for him by first describing him as “a man whose wife was murdered”. If the reader is first told his motivation, then we will not so quickly dismiss his rage and desperation. Readers (including execs) are not interested in plain lunatics. But they WILL be interested in someone driven to ‘mad’ measures for a good and undestandable reason. Always treat your characters with respect. Even supporting characters.
That the debutante is in for an existence-shattering time hardly needs mentioning. You could delete all of “her sheltered world comes crashing down”. Any competent reader can see that immediately.
Where more words/thought/development needs to placed is in teasing out the point about the husband having a valid reason for attacking the debutante. For example, “the enraged man beats and kidnaps her for being responsible for his wife’s assassination. An outrageous accusation. Except for the fact that Sally has episodes of black outs …” In this way the man’s rage is made somewhat valid and rational while not revealing too much how the debutante is precisely responsible.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)
You’ve created an interesting main character and antagonist, but she needs a goal!
And what are the stakes? It’s bad to be attacked, but what is the danger after? Does the antagonist continue to threaten her? Will the police arrest her unless she proves her innocence?
Also keep it under 25 words.
Here’s my attempt (drawing from the attempts of others):
When she’s accused of murdering a deranged ‘s wife, a sheltered debutante must prove her innocence. But is she?
Patrockable (Judge)
Oops that was meant to be:
When she?s accused of murdering a deranged ::lunatic’s occupation::?s wife, a sheltered debutante must prove her innocence. But is she?